Let Me Be Myself
by FeistyDreams
Summary: Fed up with the 'defenders of justice' attitude, Sousuke leaves Mithril before being given the mission to guard Kaname and ends up joining Amalgam. With no one to save her, Kaname is kidnapped by Amalgam and is assigned a guard to ensure her cooperation
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:**_ FMP belongs to Shouji Gatoh, Shikidouji, KyoAni, etc._

**AN: **_I've been sitting on this story for about eight months now. Since I finished Nozh, I figure I can finally bump this one up to the top now and actually work on it. Had most of this chapter written when I came up with the idea, though it's since been edited since my writing has improved, as well as needing to make some changes as I wasn't fond of the note it'd left off on previously. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy writing it and plotting it out. _

* * *

**Let Me Be Myself - Chapter One**

He glanced around the empty barracks, having the room to himself for some time it seemed. His team had just returned from a mission, and he valued these solitary moments he had to unwind. The other soldiers he shared the small room with were all attending to varying other duties, something that was done on purpose. Rooming with your squad mates was fine in theory, but being on the same schedule you would never get a break from each other. Or any time alone for that matter. So, they assigned bunks with personnel that were on different schedules.

With a sigh, Sousuke pulled out the latest issue of Jane's Almanac covering Arm Slaves and settled on his cot to read. Absently, he flipped through, not really paying to attention to what was on the pages. He already knew it all anyways, not to mention having read that particular volume several times over. Going through the motions, he had something of a comforting familiarity to stare at while getting lost in thought.

The mission he had just returned from he was finding irritating for some reason. It had been itching at the back of his mind, starting as something that gave him brief pause and had since grown into an intense annoyance. Mithril's tactics in general were giving him that feel those days. He had never understood sparing someone's life if they were not to be tortured for information or used for some kind of negotiation. He also did not understand the importance of the girl they had gone to rescue. Their mole had gone rogue and worked to free her on his own, getting killed in the process. But why did they have to try to save them? He was an idiot for blowing his cover like that, and the girl was just a girl. She had been used for medical experiments, and given the condition she had seemed to be in, wouldn't letting her die have been more humane?

With an aggravated sigh he dropped the magazine onto his face, letting the gloss pages cool down his heated face as he found his irritation mounting. Having been sent to Russia of all places was not doing much for his mood either. He hated that place. He hated the memories. People who knew bits and pieces of his history would probably think it had to do with how he was orphaned. That did not bother him at all. He hardly remembered his mother, just her smiling face as she fell to her death and told him to fight. No, the memories he hated were his Spartan upbringing. Having to survive in that frozen wilderness, the backstabbing tactics he and the other children used, all of it. Using teamwork to take down a large game animal and then killing each other so that it would not need to be divided, he growled at the memory and the gentle pulsing reminder a scar across his chest gave him.

There was a knock on the door which Sousuke ignored, and he heard the door open regardless of lack of invitation. That was another thing he hated, absolutely no privacy when on the submarine. At least on base there were places he could go to be alone. "Sergeant," the voice was stiff and authoritative, but there was a softness to it that few recognized. Sousuke pulled the magazine from his face to see Kalinin standing over him with a concerned expression. The older man lifted his hand to twitch two fingers in a 'follow me' gesture before turning to leave the room. Tossing the reading material onto the mattress – if you could call the slab he slept on anything that implied an amount of comfort – he followed the man that few others would call 'friend.'

It was not that Kalinin was an unfriendly person – it was just that he was a commanding officer and could not _afford_ to be friends with his subordinates, especially since there were times he had to make distasteful decisions. Sousuke had known Kalinin long before joining Mithril however, and, while people looking at them likely would not see the relationship, they each were one of extremely few people the other would call a true friend and would trust in absolutely every situation. Kalinin led them to his own quarters, ranking a private room on the ship due to his place as third in command of the battle group. Once there he set some tea to steep on the small bolted down table, motioning for Sousuke to take one seat while he took the other.

"You're unhappy here," Sousuke's head snapped up at the words. Kalinin was not one to beat around the bush. He _knew_ that, he had been subject to interrogation by the man before. Still though, hearing it put so frankly put him out for a moment. He settled down quickly though, knowing it was unlikely that anyone else had noticed. Kalinin was the only one that really knew him, and such a painful point of knowledge was safe only with that man. All he did was nod tersely in response, Kalinin returning the motion before filling their cups with tea and sitting back thoughtfully. "It's not surprising though. This really is not the place for you," he sighed and glanced over at a portrait of his late wife that he had on the wall, "it's not really the place for me either."

Lifting his head curiously, Sousuke took a sip of the hot drink before speaking up, "Sir?"

Kalinin smiled sadly and shook his head, "No, it's nothing. Anyways, I just wanted to speak with you on this matter. I'm sure anyone else would try to convince you to stay, but I can see you're restless. I'll pay for you to break your contract so you don't have to deplete your resources. I would say for you to try to live a normal life but," his face twisted in pain.

Sousuke knew he was remembering their second meeting six years ago, when they had been enemies. He was painfully aware that he would never be able to assimilate into society. He had been trained to be an assassin since he was – how old? – four or five it must have been, though he did not know his own age. No civilian would be safe around him. Very few highly trained and experienced soldiers were either, he thought predatorily.

"Well, that is not an option as we both know. Were it possible, I would have liked for you to experience a blood-free life. I suppose if you do decide to leave you will find your way as an assassin-for-hire or an independent mercenary once more. Do you still have contacts?" now _that_ was a silly question. Sousuke just raised an eyebrow and took another sip, earning a small chuckle from the man. "Of course you do," he rose and opened a drawer, sifting through for some papers he then placed in the center of the table. "These are the resignation forms. I've taken the liberty of filling them out for you Sagara. All you need to do is sign them."

Sousuke set his cup down and reached for the pile, flipping them around so he could read the contents. He skimmed the forms, eyes tracing the words quickly and taking in all the important bits. Once finished he set his hands to rest on the table, paper still in hand, and tilted his head back to look up at the depressing grey of the ceiling. Closing his eyes and letting out a deep breath he cleared his mind before setting it to the task at hand. _Did_ he want to quit Mithril? It was true he was unhappy. It was true he was getting restless. These goody-goody missions where they swept in and saved the day were extremely aggravating, grating on his last nerves. He vastly preferred to be veiled in darkness, silently approaching an enemy from behind and slicing open their throat before disappearing once again. As much as he enjoyed Arm Slaves and piloting them, they were not his preferred method of combat.

He dropped his eyes back down to what he held, studying them for just a few more moments before meeting Kalinin's steady gaze and nodding his head. A pen was placed before him and he signed the forms. Some of his annoyance seemed to melt away at that simple action. Never again having to do those irritating missions for a group that thought of themselves as defenders of justice or some such thing – that thought in itself was enough to put him at ease. "I'll submit these forms and the payment when we return to base and arrange a transport. Is there anywhere in specific you would like to be dropped off?"

"Somewhere in the Middle East," he answered quickly. Kalinin nodded in understanding. It really did not matter where exactly to Sousuke, the land was filled with varying strife and it would be easy for a talented killer as himself to find work there. It was also the land he was most comfortable in, and he spoke so many different dialects with ease that he could get on no matter where he was. The two sat in a comfortable silence as they finished their drinks. Kalinin offered Sousuke dinner which was accepted, and they spent what was likely to be their last night together talking for many hours before Sousuke retired back to his assigned barracks. With the way their paths had crossed so many times in the past however, it did not have a sense of finality to it. They would see each other again, that was the feeling.

But would they be friends or enemies?

* * *

Kaname sighed, pulling the thin airline blanket over head to hide her displeasure. Her friend Kyouko had been poking at her all day since the class had met up for their trip, asking her what was wrong. It was more than obvious to anyone that something had the class representative furious, not that it was a particularly unusual occurrence. The only part of it that was unusual was that no one was witness or privy to just _what_ had her panties in a bunch that day. This was, of course, the exact reason that Kyouko just had to know.

Kyouko sighed at Kaname's attempt to run away from the situation. Well, since they would be on the plane for a couple hours she would have plenty of time to whittle away at her stubborn secrecy and learn what it was. Sometimes, making Kaname aware of that fact alone was enough to get her to open up, "So, Kana-chan. How much of this plane ride do you think it will take me to get you to 'fess up?"

Groaning, Kaname yanked the blanket away from her face to glare angrily at Kyouko. Used to this, the smaller girl just adjusted her glasses with a devious smile, grinning widely when Kaname's shoulders sagged in defeat. "Fine, fine, I'll tell you," she grumbled, leaning over to whisper in Kyouko's ear. "When I went to take my laundry in a pair of underwear was missing. I think someone stole it!" she hissed.

Kyouko covered her mouth and gasped, startled, pausing a few moments before she then giggled wickedly. Kaname's glare returned full force, demanding to know just what about the situation was so funny. "Maybe Kana-chan has a secret admirer?" she grinned.

"Not the kind I want!" the response was shouted, and the entire class turned their heads towards her. Their teacher stood up and asked her to be quiet, making her mutter unkind things to Kyouko under her breath as she sank into her seat in an effort to disappear.

Knowing better than to push her luck, Kyouko turned her attention elsewhere. It was several hours later when she piped up again, "Hey, Kana-chan, isn't Okinawa surrounded by water?"

"Of course," Kaname laid her book on her lap, calmer now that she had been allowed to simmer, and she slipped in a bookmark then shut it while looking curiously at her friend.

"Then why has it been nothing but mountains for over an hour?"

"What?"

Sure enough, when she leaned across to peer out the window she was treated to the view of a mountain range. She let out a disgruntled sound and looked around with mounting feelings of anxiety. That was when she realized that it had been awhile since any of the flight attendants had checked on the passengers and that there had been a suspicious lack of updates from the captain. She tensed up nervously. It couldn't be a hi-jacking, could it?

Little over an hour passed and the fear was confirmed. The plane had landed at a distinctly militant airport, and even she was able to recognize the Arm Slaves and tanks as not belonging to Japan. An exclamation from the class military buff, Kazama Shinji, confirmed their location as that of North Korea. A large Asian man with a scar on his forehead walked into the cabin with two imposing soldiers toting assault rifles, those men having sharply defined features which made it seemed they may have had some form of Slavic heritage. The man in front grinned as his back-up turned their view around the entire cabin, ensuring that everyone got a good look down a barrel. "Hey there you, pretty girl with the long hair," a large finger beckoned Kaname while the man flashed her a feral grin.

Kaname hung her head, glancing down at her legs and tugging the hem of her skirt nervously. When the large man stood beside her, unmistakably directing his conversation at her, she tried to ignore him. He had an imposing presence though, and she glanced up at him, trying not to let her nervousness show, though she was ashamed when her voice trembled just a bit, "What?"

Smirking, he rested an arm on the seat in front of her and leaned in close, "We're making a film to send to the media. I think you'd be the perfect hostage to show."

"Ah-hah, no, I'm just an ordinary student. No one would want to watch that kind of thing," she laughed anxiously, eyes darting about as she tried to collect her wits. Chuckling, the man disagreed with her and gripped her forearm roughly and started to tug her from the seat, "Ah, wait! Let go of me!"

"Stop that! What are you going to do with my student?!" the homeroom teacher, Eri, leapt to her feet, drawing the attention of three terrifying men to her. "Hi-jacking this plane and taking a child hostage, you're just a coward!"

The man holding on to Kaname did _not_ seem too willing to allow that remark to slide. At the word _coward_ he tensed, releasing his hold on her to fish something out of his suit jacket. A laser sight trained on the space just above and between Eri's eyes, putting a quick end to her tirade as she whispered something fearfully. Kaname's eyes widened in terror and her entire body shook, "Teacher…"

A bang resounded throughout the cabin and everyone flinched. Then they panicked. Many screeches were let out as the students ducked behind the seats, tears flying and muttered words of apology, pleading, or prayer drifted up before the other two men shot their guns into the ceiling to shut them up. Kaname found herself grabbed again, and this time she walked with them willingly, biting her lip to hold back tears as she was forced to step over the corpse of her teacher.

* * *

Sousuke sighed as the sun, wind, and sand all beat on him mercilessly. He pulled his makeshift hood tight at the bridge of his nose so that it shielded his eyes more effectively, scanning the horizon through squinted eyes as he looked for someplace to take shelter. The idea of being caught in a violent sandstorm did not much appeal to him. Just as he was about to growl with aggravation there was a blast of sand at his back that launched him forward. Recovering quickly, he hopped to his feet and spun around, aiming his AK-47 in the general direction of the blast.

A transport chopper sat there, and he realized he must have missed the sounds of the rotors due to the howling wind and sand. A man with short hair and glasses, a cigarette dangling from his mouth, stood there with hands held open to show he was unarmed. Sousuke kept the muzzle pointed at the man regardless and approached cautiously and curiously. The cigarette was discarded, flying away in the wind. The man shouted to him, though he could barely make out the words, "-you were out here! Hell finding you though when this storm kicked up!"

It took him a few moments, but he recognized the man standing there. He was someone that had been wanted during his time in Lebanon, there had been pictures passed around – 'If you find this guy kill him' – that kind of thing. That was years ago though, and this was not Lebanon. "You're Kurama!" he shouted back, stating the obvious.

The man laughed, barely being heard, "That's right! I feel honored that you know me. Come with me before this storm gets worse, we have a business proposition!"

Sousuke paused for a moment, looking around, then turned his attention back and nodded, dropping the gun to his side and walking forward. He would die if left out in the sandstorm regardless and so it was worth taking the shot. Anything he knew of Mithril that may have been of use would be obsolete now, and anyone with half a brain would know that things would change at the loss of a member of a _mercenary_ unit. Not that there was much that didn't change on a regular basis that he had known anyways. So, it was likely Kurama spoke the truth. It was not as though they would take him to outright kill him, not when the sandstorm would do the trick without the risk of them taking any losses.

They clambered into the helicopter and got out before the wind got any stronger and made it impossible to operate the vehicle. Once the ride settled down, they got to business. Sousuke was a skilled soldier in all respects – he could infiltrate most points, assassinate a target and make it look like whatever his employer wanted it to look like, squad combat, command, varying tactics, Arm Slave piloting, the works – which made him someone to keep close and on one's side if at all possible. That, of course, was why Mithril would have wanted to do everything to keep him around. Kalinin had managed to field most of the efforts, much to Sousuke's relief. He did not necessarily mind the people he worked with. It was just Mithril's philosophy that made him feel the need to leave.

The job offer was sound. He would make so much more than he had with Mithril, not that the money was really a deciding factor, and he would not be given silly orders like 'take as many prisoners as possible' without there being a reason beyond preserving human life. He had no problems with the idea of taking prisoners if they had a use, but not killing to just not kill was infuriating. A dead man can't shoot you.

He took the job.

* * *

Kaname was taken by Jeep to a large vehicle with all sorts of wires running from it, the Japanese man roughly dragging her into the back without a care for how her arm was twisting. "Hey, can't you be more gentle, I'm cooperating," she uttered scathingly, not wanting to give this man the joy of seeing her afraid. He could probably smell it on her though. He had the feel of a predator to him, not anything like what she experienced from any humans before. A dangerous grin was flashed to her as she was shoved into the back where a woman in a lab coat stood with a clipboard in hand.

"Is this the girl?" the woman asked with a bored voice.

"That's right," Kaname was pushed forward again, "how long will it take to run the experiments?" Her head shot up and she looked at him with wide eyes, then at the – what was she exactly, a doctor, scientist of some sort? – with concern. _Experiments?_

The woman shrugged, "We should be done by tomorrow morning." She did not flinch when the laser sight was trained on her, instead looking at him as though he was a child throwing a tantrum, "If we're going to do this properly then that's how long it will take. We cannot rush this."

"Of course you can, all we need to do is find out if she _is_ for now. Then we can take her with us and go on a treasure hunt," he smirked.

"You're going to have to change into this," her attention shifted away from him to thrust a paper gown at Kaname. "Your uniform has metal on it. Also, if your bra has hooks or wire that will have to come off too."

She awkwardly held the gown, not really understanding what was going on but she did not like the sound of any of it. Then she glanced up and saw that imposing figure behind her grinning in a way that made her feel dirty. Timidly, she looked back the doctor, shifting her eyes meaningfully towards the guy while clutching the gown close to her chest. Getting the hint and caring _just_ enough to be mindful of her plight, the doctor flapped her hand dismissively "You can go now so we can get on with our experiments."

He scoffed and left the two girls alone, instructing men to keep guard before going off to see if there was any fun he could have elsewhere. "What kind of experiments are you doing, I thought I was making a video? This makes no sense, why did it have to be me, why not, well, anyone else?" she changed while she spoke, not wanting the woman to call any of the men inside to subdue her. She could bring herself to cooperate if it was a choice between that and being manhandled by men with questionable morals.

"It could be no one _but_ you, and you'll see why soon enough. Now, get inside the device and put these on," she thrust an odd set of goggles into Kaname's hands and urged her into a cold looking cylinder. Swallowing thickly, Kaname got in, her body trembling slightly in apprehension. She then put on the strange mask and winced when a glass cover was put over her, her body shaking more violently now at the sense of being trapped. When seemingly unrelated words started flashing in front of her eyes, she wondered again just what kind of an experiment this was to be. At that moment, it seemed to be to see just how long it would take to drive her insane with boredom. Taking in a deep breath, she steeled her nerves and let her thoughts wander to her classmates. Just how were they faring?

A few hours passed and she found herself yawning, the doctor yelling at her not to fall asleep. She grumbled under her breath, wishing she could see to fix a glare on the woman. "What exactly is the point of this, this strange sleep learning technology or whatever? And why would you have to _kidnap_ someone to do this? This is so stupid," she muttered. "If I see the word 'apple' one more time I'm going to lose it."

The woman laughed, an odd tone in her voice that made Kaname's hair stand on end. She seemed… unstable, "Learning? No, this isn't learning," she entered a few keystrokes on her computer and a new swarm of words flooded Kaname's vision. Words that should have been foreign but seemed too familiar. Why did she know this? "These are things you have known since you were born. _You_ are going to be the one to teach _us_," she cackled again and Kaname shuddered, then started pounding on the glass.

"What?!" she screeched, hitting the glass with all her might, kicking at it, shaking her head despite the strap holding her down, she wanted _out_. "What is this, what kind of freaky nonsense is this, let me out, let me out now!"

"Relax! Do not screw up the experiment, unless you want me to use drugs!" the only thing keeping the doctor from using them anyways was that she did not want to affect the tests negatively.

Whimpering, Kaname settled back, not liking the sound of that. Suddenly, there were the sounds of explosions from outside. Both women lifted their heads anxiously, "What?" "-was that?!"

Some men with guns threw open the door and beckoned the two, "Let's get the girl out of here and go, we can finish this later!"

Scowling, the doctor let Kaname out of the unit and unstrapped her, pulling off the goggles and shoving her roughly towards the men who grabbed her by either arm and pulled her to another jeep. Shaking again from all the noise and excitement, Kaname turned around to see the airfield ablaze, Arm Slaves dancing about and far too many explosions in the direction of the airplane her classmates were on. Despite her best efforts, the tears spilled down her cheeks as she wondered if she would ever see them again, thinking back to the body of her teacher she had to so cruelly disregard. Would they be dead or would she?

Would any of them ever be the same again after?

* * *

A couple weeks later found Sousuke being escorted down the halls of one of the many facilities across the world owned by his new employer, Amalgam. He had been unhappy when he had told he was essentially being put on babysitting duty, but he understood the logic behind it. At that moment, many of their fights seemed to end up pitting them against Mithril, and since he was new and formerly a member of that organization, it was questionable just where his loyalties might lie. So he found himself being brought to his new assignment, a girl they had recently kidnapped and who seemed to warrant having a soldier as a guard.

They opened the door to the room, a girl lifting her head and fixing them with an irritated glare, "Haven't you ever heard of knocking!?"

"You don't have the luxury of privacy," one guard growled at her. "This man will be assigned to watch you twenty-four seven, so any cute ideas of escape you can forget now." The man turned to clap a hand on Sousuke's shoulder apologetically, "Sorry you have to put up with this bitch, good luck man."

"At least you'll get to look at a babe all day, even if she does have a major personality issue," the other spoke before the two left Sousuke and Kaname alone. Not saying a word, barely even acknowledging what they had said, Sousuke kept his eyes trained on the girl standing before him with her hands on her hips and her chin lifted defiantly. They both were sizing the other up.

Switching from awkward English to Japanese, she narrowed her eyes at him, "You're Japanese, aren't you?"

"Affirmative."

Groaning, she threw her arms in the air and then her body at the bed, flopping on it and pulling a pillow over her head as she screamed in frustration. Leaving her to the odd reaction, Sousuke paced the room, inspecting every corner, every object. When he went to open a dresser drawer a pillow connected with great force to the back of his head. Tensing, he turned to look at her with a calmness that was more terrifying than any anger he could have shown. Kaname froze in place, pillow raised over her head for another strike before she slowly lowered her arms to her side, biting her cheek to distract herself. The last thing she wanted was to show any of these people fear. They seemed to get off on it and she was _not_ there for their pleasure.

Clearing her throat, she folded one hand on her hip and glared at him, pushing away the terror. "You do _not_ go through a lady's drawers without permission! My underwear is in there!" not that it was anything she had bought for herself. When she had complained about the lack of clothes they had pried her sizes from her and got her some of the most atrocious articles they could find. It was obvious that she was someone who enjoyed looking good, she was an extremely attractive girl, and so they wanted to strip some of her confidence by supplying her with clothes that no one could feel good in.

For the moment, he would accede defeat and leave the drawers alone. Later, perhaps some time when she was taken away for the experiments they said they would be doing on her, then he would inspect them. This girl was clearly extremely stubborn and willful, and he did not feel like getting into a pointless argument with her. All that was in his job description was to keep her from escaping, being rescued, or hurting anyone including herself. He was not there to destroy her will, for which he was grateful. While he most certainly was _not_ above torture, abusing an innocent civilian was not something that appealed to him. He was no sadist. In many ways, it was good for Kaname that it was _he_ who had been assigned the position. There was a suspicious lack of 'don't rape the girl' in the job description, left open in a way to imply that it may even be preferred for him to do so without outright saying it.

Kaname glanced around the room nervously before turning her eyes back to Sousuke. She gathered up her courage to present her words in a confrontational way, not wishing to appear even the slightest bit submissive to him. "So, you're my permanent guard now? I guess that means you'll be sleeping here. Well, you better not get any funny ideas mister, you try anything and I'll make sure you can never use your equipment again!" it was a bold threat, but in a way that was what made him curious. She knew exactly what her position was, but she was not going to roll over and take it.

He had to admit to being amused. She was a civilian and already she was proving to be made of tougher stuff than many soldiers he had met before. "I prefer to sleep on the floor so there is not a problem."

Raising an eyebrow, Kaname shrugged and tossed her hair with an attitude. "All right, weirdo. I'm going to take a shower, you know what will happen if you try to sneak a peek," she looked at him pointedly before fishing through the dresser Sousuke was still standing next to, then she disappeared through a door opposite the one he had taken to enter the room. _That_ door was locked in such a way that even Sousuke was a prisoner there, though he had the option of using a communication system on the wall beside the door jam to request to leave if he needed to for any reason.

Now that she was occupied, sooner than he had hoped, he fished through everything, searching for anything she might use to escape, any signs of bugs to let someone outside know of her position, anything at all out of the ordinary. Satisfied with his findings he grabbed a rough chair and began reviewing his personal inventory while letting his thoughts wander to his new charge. It seemed the reason the door was set up in such a way was because the girl was smart enough to figure out how to by-pass ordinary security measures. Or was it that she would become smart enough? That part had been unclear to him and was one of the things listed as not needing further explanation for him to do his job.

All he needed to know was that she was intelligent and feisty and he would likely have his work cut out for him, living trapped in a small suite with her. The treatment was odd to say the least. She was a prisoner and she had to cooperate with them or they would do _something_ to her though he did not know what. As long as she did cooperate with whatever experiments they did on her then she was allowed to live in a relative comfort. She had changes of clothes, access to bathroom facilities so she would not have to live in filth, a bed though it looked uncomfortable to say the least, and a small kitchen to cook meals in if they would supply her with things to cook.

He had his rucksack, which he had tossed in the corner opposite the bed earlier while pacing the room. Finished examining his belongings, feeling naked having only one knife and gun that he kept on his person, he made sure they were where they belonged and properly concealed just as the girl came back in wearing a loose t-shirt that seemed about to hang off her shoulders and a pair jeans that could not have possibly been the appropriate size for her with the way they slipped down her hips. Her long black hair stuck to her skin and soaked her shirt as she looked at him angrily.

"I need a hair dryer," she demanded. Sousuke blinked slowly as he wondered at the statement. Would she make a habit of such commands? As he stared at her, looking at her fiercely determined expression he realized that she most certainly would be. Perhaps she would be an interesting assignment after all. Sitting back in the uncomfortable chair, he met her gaze neutrally, not responding as she continued to look at him. Twitching as she grew uncomfortable under his watch, she crossed her arms defensively over her chest, "Just what do you think you're looking at anyways? Pervert," unnerved by his seeming lack of emotion, she turned away from him. She grabbed a folder off her nightstand and reclined on the bed, propping up the pillows and leaning back against them as she reviewed the documents in hand, pointedly ignoring him.

Shaking his head, Sousuke watched her actions curiously, learning her behavior so he would know how to read when something was going on. It would be best if he came to know her body language, and though he could tell his staring was making her uncomfortable, he did it anyways. He was not one to let his job suffer just to spare someone discomfort. Or, at least, that was what he was telling himself.

* * *

Groaning softly, Kaname dropped her arm across her eyes as she woke up, her muscles straining as she stretched in place. Sighing as she fell back against her bed, she slowly moved her arm and blinked dazedly up at the ceiling she could hardly see. Honestly, would it have killed them to give her a room with a window? She couldn't remember the last time she'd seen the sun, having been trapped inside since her arrival there, going only between her room and the labs down hallways without a view of the outdoors. All the psychological warfare against her was putting a strain on her. How long had she been there? Days? Weeks? Months?

Years?

No, years didn't feel right, and neither did months. But how could she tell? Forced into a routine and no idea what seasons were going on, there was nothing to tell her what time of year it was, how much time had passed, nothing. Shaking her head to clear it, she slapped her cheeks and told herself to move on and deal with it, to fight it as she did every day since her arrival. They were determined to destroy her it seemed, but she would have none of that. Sitting up sharply and swinging her legs to the ground in a fluid motion, she yelped and jumped back, back slapping harshly against the wall. Breathing heavily, she fought for control of her panicked mind, rationalizing everything with herself. That was right, she had a permanent roommate now, one who didn't have a bed of his own. Why he had seen the need to sleep right beside her bed, she didn't have a clue, and right then she didn't care either.

She did _not_ appreciate having a few years shaved off her life from fright.

Mostly recovered as she had finally explained to her nerves why there was a body beside her bed, she turned onto all fours and leaned over the edge of the bed, furious. "Just what the hell are you doing there you creep!? Couldn't you have picked anywhere _but_ there!?"

Rubbing his ribs that had been so rudely stepped on, Sousuke stared up at her with his eyes narrowed slightly, keeping his expression neutral though he was feeling grumpy. He shook his head and sat up with a suffering sigh, "Negative. Here, if you were to move around in the middle of the night I would have known. Were I elsewhere you could have snuck past me."

"What in the hell could I do anyways!? I'm trapped here and you're stuck in here with me, and I swear to god if you pull any other stalker stunts like this I'm going to castrate you and they won't get in here in time to help you so help me...! Ugh, just, just can't you roll over just a bit, give me room to put my feet down at least?"

Shaking his head at her threat, he mulled over her words and rubbed the back of his neck. "Fine then, I'll give you some room next time. I'll wake up if you step over me, anyways," he muttered as he slowly rose to his feet, looking down at her indignant and exasperated face. "You're quite rude, you know."

Kaname stared at him for a long moment in shock. Getting her bearings back, she reached over and grabbed her pillow, growling as slammed it over his head, "How _dare_ you!?" she screeched. Sliding off the bed, she stepped over his prone body and over to her dresser, yanking drawers open and slamming them shut as she gathered her things, "Stupid jerk, me, rude? What the hell? Here I am, sharing my room with him out of the kindness of my heart and he has the gall to call me rude? What a creep! If I wasn't-," she continued to mutter cruelties as she marched her way to the bathroom to clean up for the day.

Rubbing his sore head, Sousuke stared after her, wondering just what in the hell had happened. Closing his eyes, his shoulders slumped as he winced in pain. All his years of combat hadn't prepared him for suffering a woman's wrath. There was a sharp knock on the door and then it slid open, and he scrambled to his feet as a scientist walked in. "Where's the girl?"

"Showering," he stood at attention as he looked the man over, sizing him up.

"Hmph. She's running late. Yank her out of the shower if you must, we've tests to run."

Frowning at the thought of walking in on the girl, Sousuke nodded stiffly. "Understood. Just a moment then," turning on his heel, he made his way to the bathroom. Knocking on the door, he called in, "Time is out. You have sixty seconds to get out of the shower."

"Or what?" she shouted after him.

"Or I take you out myself."

"I'd like to see you try," she retorted, though he could hear the water turn off regardless. It seemed she knew her place after all, though she certainly liked to make it seem as though she had more control than she did. Sousuke kept an eye on his watch as he heard her towel off and the sounds of clothes rustling as she put them on. Her time was just about up when the door beside him opened and she glared at him. "There, I'm out. What?"

Sousuke just motioned to the scientist who nodded to her, "Did you forget about your tests today?"

Grumbling, Kaname slapped her hand down on a table and picked up a hair tie, pulling her hair back into a ponytail. "Maybe if I had a calendar it'd be easier to keep track of these things."

Smiling darkly, the scientist shook his head and then turned out the door. "You'll be escorting her, of course, Sagara."

"Yes sir," Sousuke walked beside Kaname as they followed the man to the labs. Kaname wrapped her arms around her chest, growing more and more withdrawn the closer they got to their destination. Watching her carefully, Sousuke wondered just what it was she had to look forward to once she got there. He wasn't to be privy to that information though, as the scientist used a retinal scanner then turned to them.

"Be back here in eight hours. Until then you're free unless you've been given other orders."

Nodding to the man, Sousuke blinked in confusion at the pleading look the girl gave him as she was led inside. The door closed behind her, leaving him with the image of her haunted eyes fresh in his mind. For that strong girl to have such a reaction, what were they doing to her. Shaking his head, he reminded himself it had nothing to do with him and he turned away from the door, intent on doing some much needed exercise. If nothing else, it should help to block the memory of Kaname silently begging him to save her from her fate.


	2. Chapter 2

**Let Me Be Myself - Chapter Two**

It wasn't that she really thought he could help her, it was that she was hoping that there just was _someone_ that could. Kaname shot Sousuke a pleading look as the door to the laboratory closed behind her, and she could see the shock on his stoic face just before she was locked into the room. He was one of them, one of the people there to be sure she _stayed_ there, but that glimpse of emotion gave her hope that maybe someone at that infernal place had an inkling of compassion.

Not that it helped her just then.

She had never bothered to learn the names of the people there, preferring to keep them unknown. If she didn't know who they were, then she could distract herself from what they were doing to her with thoughts that they weren't human. Or something like that anyways, whatever helped really. She needed every foothold on sanity she could get. The man waved her over to a capsule-like machine, one that she was all too familiar with already. Not needing to be told twice, she made her way over, taking the paper gown that was left on a table by a changing screen. Disappearing behind the screen, she quickly stripped her clothes and put on the garment left for her, all too aware that any amount of dawdling could land her with someone forcibly changing her.

Setting her folded up clothes where she had taken the paper gown from, she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and glanced around. The woman who had ran the tests on her in North Korea stood there with a clipboard, looking at her expectantly. Biting back a sigh, Kaname approached the machine, taking the headpiece from its resting spot nearby and slipping it on as she stepped into the unit cautiously. Resting her head back, her hands clenched as a familiar panic swamped over her when the door closed her in. She worked on steadying her breathing, jumping near out of her skin when there was a knock on the closed door.

"Calm down, you're going to mess up the tests."

"It's hard to be calm when you're blindfolded and trapped," she muttered, not as scathingly as she would have liked. It was hard to be brave when, well, blindfolded and trapped. Settling back, she closed her eyes and took in several deep breaths until she had calmed her nerves. When she opened her eyes they had started up the program and words were flashing across the screen covering her face. She was getting tired of that test, having been subjected to it every few days since her arrival there. Watching the all-too familiar words dance across her eyes, she couldn't help but to ask, "What's the purpose of this anyways?"

Standing nearby as she kept an eye on a computer read-out of the results, that woman glanced at her clipboard before looking back at Kaname and responding, "We're trying to figure out where your specialties lie. You've been a particularly difficult one to puzzle out."

"Oh, well, that's me. You might as well give up, I'm impossible to figure out," she laughed with false confidence, knowing full well that was wishful thinking.

With a smirk, the doctor turned back to the screen, the scorn strong in her voice as she replied, "I'm sure you wish it were that easy. Too bad for you, it would really be so much easier on your psyche if you were simpler."

Groaning, Kaname closed her eyes and dropped her head back, jumping again when there was another knock and a barked order not to fall asleep. "Like anyone could sleep in this thing," she ground out, opening up her eyes and focusing once more on the words. 'Specialties,' they'd said. What 'specialties?' It was getting old, fast, and she wished someone could give her a straight answer at some point. "Maybe it'd be easier if I knew what the hell you were talking about," it was worth a shot, anyways.

"You'll know soon enough. You're a smart girl."

"Well, that's not something I hear every day. You know, my test scores in math and science are a bit below average. My school is an easy one to test into, it's not really prestigious to go there. Really, the only reason I chose that one was 'cause of the cute uniforms. So why don't you cut the crap and give me some straight answers? I'm not figuring your crazy out anytime soon," she didn't think she was an idiot, but these people kept acting like she was some kind of genius. She was just of average intelligence, why did they keep treating her like this?

Slamming down her clipboard and startling Kaname, the doctor folded up a hand on her hip and glared at Kaname, losing her patience. The girl might not have been able to see her, but the malice was palpable, and her voice was thick with it, "Just shut up and have some patience. We'd expected to be further along with you at this point and your questions are putting us behind schedule more and more." Stalking over to the machine, the woman tapped her pen on the glass, grinning wickedly at how Kaname twitched, her fear too easy to play on. "Trust me, you will come to understand eventually. You're a Whispered. Sometimes, though, it just takes time to unlock all that knowledge trapped upstairs."

Kaname suppressed a shiver, clenching fists so tight she drew blood with her nails, and she took in several steadying breaths. Oh, she hated how they knew just what would get a reaction out of her. She was nervous enough, having been subjected to various abuses and embarrassments, and being trapped as well as blind just heightened her anxieties. She hated giving them the pleasure of seeing her skittish, but it was still difficult to get her fears completely under control. They were good at what they did. Swallowing thickly, she flexed her fingers, hissing at the pain as she noticed the cuts she had made on her palm. "Whispered?" she got hold of herself enough to ask the question burning in her mind since she heard the word. "Just what the hell is that?"

"You'll figure out why you're called that soon enough, I'm sure," turning back to the read-outs, she muttered to herself, "It better be soon. This is taking too long."

Catching the words, Kaname managed a haughty scoff, though she winced internally at the faint shake to her voice even that sound had. "Well, I'm sorry to be such an inconvenience. Please, allow me to help you, really, it's all I want. I mean, you treat me _so_ well," her voice had a faint pleasantness up to that point, and she couldn't keep the act up any longer. Shouting angrily, she kicked at her enclosure, "Locking me up like this, trapping me, hell, when's the last time I've seen the sun, you stupid bitch!? Let me out! I'm sick of this, sick of it, you got it!? I want out! I want some freedom dammit, I'm _glad_ I'm not being helpful! I _hope_ you get in trouble, dammit, I can't stand this anymore, let me _out_!"

"You think I'm treating you poorly!? Fine! Take her out," she motioned for a few of her colleagues to open up the machine as she opened up a drawer where pulled out a needle and bottle from. Unwrapping the sharp, she stuck it into the bottle and measured out a dose. Kaname found her head pushed forcibly down on a table, an arm held straight and pinned down. Another person quickly pulled a rubber band around her upper arm and disinfected the skin over her vein as the woman looked down at her with a psychotic smirk. "I've been good to you up until now. Clearly that was wrong."

Kaname stared at the needle, frozen in fear. "I, that's, what is it? Please, I'll cooperate, no need for drugs," her voice was subdued and shaking as she found herself unable to tear her eyes away.

"Should have thought of that sooner," Kaname yelped when the needle bit into her skin, tears stinging at the corners of her eyes as she wondered just what was going to happen to her. "Put her back in," the woman's voice had returned to its usual callous tone, and she cleaned up while Kaname was dragged back to the machine and hooked into it once more.

At once she felt groggy, drowsy, lifeless, and she sat limp and lifeless in the pod as the headpiece was put back on and the lid closed shut. The words began their torturous journey across her eyes and in her mind, and she made sense of them with a cold awareness, feeling very unlike herself. It was as though she lay dormant in her body as another consciousness took over and read to her the information, sparking hidden sections of her brain to life with knowledge she'd never have guessed laid within her. For once, the time passed unnoticed to her, curled up in a hidden corner of her head and trying to block out the voices she should never have been able to hear.

The door opened up and the equipment was removed from her person. Someone gathered up her clothes and looped an arm of hers across his shoulders while another person took her other side. She was dragged to the exit and the door opened to reveal Sousuke waiting for her as was his duty. "Bring her to her room."

Hiding his distaste at the condition the poor girl was in, he arched a brow at them, "I thought she was supposed to be able to move around on her own."

"Things change sometimes. In the name of science, you understand," they all but threw her listless body at him and closed the door, showing in no uncertain terms that questions and accusations were unwelcome.

Catching her, he sighed, looking at her form with pity. He awkwardly bent to retrieve her clothes which had been tossed along with her, shifting her until he was able to carry both girl and clothing without too much difficulty. Returning to their room, he let them in and brought her over to the bed, easing her onto the mattress. Science, was it? Just what kind of science were they doing, anyways? The look he directed her was an unkind one, though he barely saw her, lost in thought as he was. Yes, he was bored of Mithril's goody-goody policies, but he hadn't realized he had been signing up with a bunch of maniacal sadists this time around. It didn't sit well with him, what had been done to her, but as he thought about it he realized he did not have much in the way of a choice but to allow it to happen.

He knew that if he protested her treatment, he would be punished as well as taken off his position as her babysitter. If that happened, they would assign someone else, and knowing some of the people he found to be his comrades those days, she would be even worse off. At least he could guarantee that when she wasn't being used by those scientists, he would leave her alone. One of those men, well, they would be likely to use her in a different way.

Thinking such thoughts as an unfamiliar anger bubbled up inside of him, he was unaware when she came too. Kaname, blinking tired eyes, slowly regained her own consciousness, pushing away the odd detached self that had seemed to take over earlier. A small part of her that feared everyone she came into contact with at that place almost convinced her to retreat back to the safety of oblivion she had found when met with the sight of her guard looking so furious. Swallowing against that fright, she steeled her nerves with a deep breath and plastered on her brave front, "Hey, don't look at me like that, it's not my fault they did this to me."

Her hoarse voice snapped him out of his reverie and he looked at her with a slightly startled expression, as though he hadn't realized she were still there. Confused by his reaction but unwilling to show it, she continued to glare at him defiantly, if not perhaps a bit softer than when she had first turned the look on him. When her words finally sank in, he shook his head slowly and looked over at the clothes of hers that he had set on the corner of the bed, "I understand. My apologies, I was thinking on something."

"Well do your thinking somewhere else, you give me the creeps," she muttered, following his gaze. Glancing down, she noticed she still wore the paper medical gown, and the realization made her feel suddenly self-conscious. She wrapped her arms around herself, drawing up her legs and pulling her knees together, "Now."

"Now?" he asked, confused. She narrowed her eyes in a meaningful glare and he stared at her, trying to figure out what she meant. When he realized it, he turned back to her clothes and then nodded. "Very well. I'll wait in the kitchen."

Knowing she wasn't going to get anything better than that and feeling very unhappy about the situation, she nodded with a frown. "Fine. If you peek though," she left the threat hanging in the air and he walked off without acknowledging it. Letting out a frustrated sigh, she made sure he was out of sight and quickly pulled off the gown and replaced it with the more comfortable clothing she had chosen that morning. Smoothing out the wrinkles in the baggy shirt, she dropped her shoulders, her hair slipping over and dropped to curtain her face. It was mind-numbing, and she shuddered to think that she may have snapped that day and completely lost herself if they hadn't decided to assign that guard to her. The break in routine was just what she needed to keep her sanity, though she wondered just how long that would help her.

"Are you finished?" he called out after the sounds of movement had stopped for some time.

Clenching her fists on her knees, she glared at the bed as she fought down unreasonable emotion. To her, the weaknesses she had, they were completely unreasonable, never mind that they were the goal of people accustomed to breaking others. She would have none of it, she didn't want to be their cracked little doll. Drawing in a deep breath, she set her mind and tossed her hair back over her shoulder and called out, "Yup." When he came out, she spun in place and swung her legs over the side of the bed. Resting elbows on thighs, she propped her head up in her hands and looked at him, "Why don't you answer some questions for me."

"I'm not here to answer questions."

"And I'm not here for people's sick amusement but that doesn't stop me from getting used for it. You're stuck here in this room with me as much as I am with you, and let me tell you, I am damn good at being stubborn and irritating when I have to be. So you can either answer questions or be badgered until you go insane. Your choice."

He took up residence in the uncomfortable chair, putting his hands on his knees in an ever-ready stance, even when he should have been at rest. Narrowing his gaze at her, he replied in a deathly serious voice, "I'd shoot you before I allowed that to happen."

Tensing up at the threat, she swallowed and tried desperately not to let her fear show. Images of Ms. Kagurazaka standing up to defend her, that man pulling out his gun and training the laser sight between her eyes, pulling the trigger- Kaname couldn't help it. Dropping her head, she held it between her hands and shook fiercely, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes with a cruel heat. Whimpering, she squeezed her eyes shut though that did nothing to block out the mental image that was still all too fresh, and without realizing it she chanted the word 'Teacher' over and over again.

Concerned, Sousuke's fingers twitched as he watched the girl suffer from a mental breakdown. He had seen the reaction before from soldiers who had witnessed a comrade's gruesome death, from soldiers too kind for the profession of war and suffering the guilt of taking life, he was all too familiar with the ways PTSD could manifest itself when triggered. He also knew to leave well enough alone at that point. Anything he did could provide a push and send her over the edge, not knowing just what it was that she was remembering, it was safer for her if he just stayed seated and didn't move.

Still though, it was tough.

When he saw it in those who fought beside him it was so much easier. He, or others, would try to break the person out of it. If they were too far gone then they shot him, executed him like a rabid dog. A soldier incapable of performing his duties on the battleground without having some kind of a breakdown was just a threat to those fighting beside him. In those situations it was black and white, do or die, kill or be killed, the simpler days he longed for. Here though, with this girl, it was different. For one, he was on strict orders not to kill her no matter what. For another, this wasn't the battlefield, and she wasn't his comrade. She wasn't going to get him killed with her weaknesses.

For another, even if she was, he wasn't sure he would be able to bring himself to kill her. Shaking his head fiercely against that thought, he frowned and leaned back in his seat, hardening his gaze as he watched her fret. No, those thoughts were absolutely no good. He had never shown softness to anyone in the past and there was no need to start now. Crossing his arms over his chest, he kept an eye on her she battled with her demons, stamping down the uncharacteristic concern he felt for her and the curiosity of what it was she was reliving.

Tugging on her bangs, Kaname bit the inside of her cheek until she tasted copper, the feel of warm blood running in her mouth helping to break her from her reverie. It was odd, she thought, as the pain finally registered. Why that sensation helped to break her free from the memory of her teacher being murdered was a mystery to her, but at that moment she wasn't about to dwell on it and fall back into the well of misery. Swiping the back of her hand across her eyes roughly, she drew in a deep breath and calmed herself. Mind over matter, she mentally encouraged herself, she was a strong girl and could work past anything, that was what she told herself. The more she said it, the truer it would be, right? Yes, of course, and she rose from her position so swiftly that she startled Sousuke.

His face was emotionless, but his eyes showed her a concern she had not expected to see. That was dangerous, for both of them, and she swiftly turned her attention to the bathroom door. "I'm going to shower," she announced and started walking for the door. When her hand reached the handle she paused, her shoulders dropping slightly as she considered something for a moment. Damn, why did they have to assign someone that was actually human to her? Even not knowing his name was starting to not be enough to keep him as some monster in her mind, not when he showed her specks of compassion no one else there had. Her fingers twitched and she yanked the door open resolutely. Squaring her shoulders, she turned her head and snapped at him, "I need a razor, for shaving you understand. And that hair dryer I asked for. I can't feel clean like this, got it?"

She didn't give him a chance to respond, stepping into the small tiled room and slamming the door behind her just as she finished her words. Kaname had found herself taking an absurd amount of showers since arriving there. Whenever she returned from her sessions she always felt somehow dirty and needed to clean herself, and there was nothing better to do there than to sit under a stream of blistering hot water until it near turned into a torrent of icicles. Pulling off her clothes, she let the garments pool on the floor, her distaste for them showing in her treatment. Back home, she would have folded up each article of clothing and set it in a basket, but there she just left them where they lie and stepped into the shower stall without another thought.

Letting the water spray her face, taking an odd delight in the stinging pain of pressurized water pounding on her skin, she blanked her mind. Too much time for thinking and not enough pleasant things to think about had given her the discipline to just not think at all. She lost track of time as the water ran down her body, and when it started turning cold she dipped her head and looked down at herself. She hardly recognized her body anymore. In just a few short weeks she had lost some muscle mass, her usually well toned body had gotten somewhat flabby. Her hair was starting to get stringy, and the ends weren't exactly in the best shape, due to the lack of a decent shampoo and conditioner, as well as her mood since getting there. It was amazing what emotions did to the body physically.

Her skin was paler, too. She used to have a slight tan from all the time she spent outdoors, but it was all-too rapidly fading. The hair that she used to shave had grown out, and she was disgusted, seeing it on herself like that. She was aware that it was all part of the mind games, and felt a bit shallow that it was working, but try as she might it was difficult to push it to the side. She was a good looking girl, she knew it, and she was proud of it. It was hard to feel the same confidence she used to have with her looks when she was forced to let herself go like that.

Lifting up one of her hands, wrinkled from such prolonged exposure to water, she turned it over, looking at both her palm and the back of her hand with equal curiosity. The calluses on the palms of her hands from softball were started to peel from disuse and the water, and her nails were in bad shape. Some were whittled away to nubs from a recently developed nervous habit of chewing on them, while others were entirely too long from lack of grooming. How had she not noticed sooner? With a sigh, she turned the water off and stood there sopping wet, taking in her body on the whole. They did not see fit to grace her with a mirror, leaving her with no way to see her reflection, but if she had to guess, her face was likely about as pretty a sight as the rest of her.

Which was to say, not at all.

Opening the door to the shower, Kaname reached out for a towel, her hand hitting a cold metal rung. She blinked, staring at the empty towel rack in disbelief. Glancing around, she realized she had neglected to bring a towel in with her. Fisting her hair, she tugged harshly, the pain in her scalp helping bring her back down to earth. Just how had she managed that, honestly? While mentally berating herself she stepped out of the stall, uncaring of the water dripping all over the place, and she hid behind the door while pulling it open. Peeking out, she noticed her guard was still sitting on that chair exactly as she had left him. She cleared her throat, frowning when it didn't get his attention. "Hey!"

That drew his gaze over to her at least. He looked at her with an expression full of boredom and she swore she heard the wood creak under her fingers as she took offense to it. "Yes?"

"I need a towel! Get me one!" she couldn't keep the growl out of her voice if she had wanted to. Not that she did want to, irked as she was. Who was he to look bored? He had been there barely a full day where she been there for weeks with not a damn thing to do. And at least he had freedom in his time to himself, where she was stuck in that room with nothing except for a moody creepy freak!

He sighed diverted his attention to whatever point on the wall had been so fascinating before. "I'm not your servant. Get it yourself."

Oh that was it. She looked around for anything she could throw, closing the door briefly to retrieve a bottle of cheap shampoo. Opening the door again, she chucked it his head, a smirk crossing her face as she was filled with a grim satisfaction that at least her aim had not disappeared, as well as a good amount of her strength. He stared at her in open shock, not having expected her to escalate to violence. Ever defiant, she glowered at him from behind the safety of the door, "I'm wet and naked, and if you start thinking about that I will kill you in your sleep. But before that, I need a towel, because like hell I'm allowing you to see me like this!"

Picking up the bottle that had been used as a projectile, he tossed it in his hand experimentally, wondering at how it had managed to connect with such force to his head. Glancing sidelong at her in a nearly emotionless stare that scared her, he gave away nothing of what he thought as he delivered his reply in a monotone voice. "Then put back on the clothes you had on before."

Squeezing the door, she kept her fear in check as she shook her head emphatically, "I am soaking wet! Do you want me to get a cold? Do you really want to explain why I'm down and out with a fever, or would you rather just get me a damn towel!"

It was a statement more than a question, that much he was aware of. Glancing at the shampoo bottle in his hand, he shrugged to himself. At first he had not wanted to give in to her, not when she kept making so many demands, but she did have a point. There was no sense in getting chewed out over a towel. Walking over to the closet the towels were kept in, he opened it up, pulled out the first one he saw, and then handed it to the girl through the door. She yanked it out of his hands and continued to glare at him expectantly. He met her gaze for several long moments, showing her that he was in no way backing down in the face of her anger, and then held out the impromptu weapon. "You would do best not to attack me."

"What are you going to do if I don't listen?" she repeated the action with the offered bottle, pulling it away from him so fiercely that some of its contents spilled through a crack she had made in it. Looking down at the shampoo with a grimace, she came to a terrifying realization. This man was obviously upset about her actions, and yet when he had held the broken container nothing had happened. He had such a tight rein on his emotions that they barely transmitted through his body. Her throat contracted as she swallowed nothing but air in a reaction to the lump of fear forming. The only way to have any indication of what he was feeling was through his slightly expressive eyes. Nothing else about him would give him away. That kind of control was inhuman to her.

She slowly looked back up to him, meeting his meaningful gaze as he left her with some cryptic words. "It's not me you should worry about. It's losing me that should concern you."

He placed a hand on the door knob and turned, pulling the door from her weak fingers and closing it behind him. Holding the towel close to herself, she stared at the door jam with eyes wide, her body shaking slightly in fright. Just what exactly was he? And what in the hell did he mean by that statement? It took her several long moments of standing there in the cold to realize her threat of getting sick would become a reality if she didn't move. Putting the shampoo back in its place, she washed her hand of the mess it had created and then quickly dried off. She pulled on her clothes before stepping out of the bathroom slowly, nervously, and then tentatively approaching her bed.

Sousuke had taken up his place in the chair once more, and she had to wonder how he could stand to sit in something so uncomfortable for so long. There was a reason she chose to spend her time on the bumpy rock slab of a mattress rather than in the chair. Curling her legs up under her, she stared at him and he returned the gesture, the two of them not letting their eyes off the other as they lost themselves in thought. He scared her, completely frightened her, and yet somehow at the same time she felt the safest with him than with anyone else in that place. Maybe it was because he was the only person who didn't seem to expect anything from her. It seemed as though everyone she met there had it out for her in one way or another. He just wanted to do his job of keeping her from doing anything stupid.

Settling back in his chair, Sousuke's eyes met Kaname's as she observed him, and he had to wonder what was going through her mind right then. He had no idea just what to make of her, and he was at a loss as to how to properly deal with her. She wasn't exactly a prisoner, he wasn't supposed abuse her, at least not in any way that could be life threatening, but he wasn't supposed to be kind or gentle with her either. They were stuck there together though, as she had so accurately mentioned earlier, and he very much did not want for her to follow through with her threat of becoming a nuisance. He had threatened to shoot her, yes, but he was not likely to actually do that. It had nothing to do with the bizarre protective feeling for her that had started growing since the strong girl had stared at him with such plaintive eyes, and nothing what-so-ever to do with her strong reaction to the threat.

No, he likely wouldn't shoot her because he would get in trouble if he did. He was allowed some lee-way with her, sure, but that was a little excessive. Instead, if she decided to become annoying and chatter away at him incessantly, he was left with no real choice but to suffer it. He could probably find some tape to cover her mouth, but he wouldn't be able to leave her like that forever, and judging by her behavior, she would probably just up the ante every chance she got.

Kaname got up from the bed and walked over to the chair, leaning over when she got close to stare into his eyes from closer-up. He stared blankly at her, giving away nothing of his thoughts as she searched for he-had-no-idea-what. Or, he thought he had given nothing away. A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips and she dropped down to the ground, wrapping her arms around her legs, resting chin on knees as she looked up at him. "You're not like the others. Is that why you said I'm better off with you?"

Frowning, he stiffened up, rolling his shoulders back as he turned his expression sour, "What exactly do you mean by that?"

She giggled softly and rocked back until she sat on the ground, her feet sliding forward so she sprawled out more comfortably. Crossing her arms over her drawn-up knees, she rested her head on them and continued to watch him, a knowing look that had him feeling annoyed was turned on him by the girl. "They're a bunch of sociopaths. None of them care about what happens to me. The only time they give me so much as an inch is when they know it'll be easier on them in the long run. I've been forced to change in front of most of them before, but you walk away and give me privacy. They man-handle me, use every opportunity to put their hands on me, but you solve things differently."

"I see."

"You're also very weird."

"Weird?" he frowned, not appreciating the insult.

Nodding, she tilted her head until her cheek rested on her arms, "Definitely. I expect everything I get from these people. The rude words, violent behavior, perverted reactions from men used to taking what they want. But not you. I can't figure you out one bit. Why are you here if you aren't like them?"

Looking away from her, he stared at an invisible point on the wall, not trusting his reactions if he continued to stare at her. He was not the weird one he felt, no, the strange one was the girl. No one had ever stirred the kinds of emotions in him that he was feeling when she was around. A part of him wanted out of the job, away from the unknown, but another part, larger, scarier to the rest of him, it wanted him to stay there by her side and protect her. He knew what would happen if one of those others was set on her. Shaking his head, he strengthened his resolve and looked down at her, emotionless once more, "The same reason as any of them. Survival. Money. And I'm good at what I do, as are they."

Flinching under his hard gaze, she bit the inside of her cheek, wincing when she aggravated the cut she had made earlier. Why did he suddenly change on her, right when he seemed to be opening up? Maybe not verbally, but his eyes had started giving away so much. With a soft sigh, she realized that was exactly it. She would have done the same, really, not wanting to open up to him any more than he wanted to open up to her. It was too dangerous, given their positions. Only pain waited at the end of that road. Still though, they were going to be stuck there with each other for a very long time it seemed. Shrugging her shoulders, she rose to her feet, dusting herself off despite the lack of dirt in the room, and then smiled at him, hoping to break him with a welcoming demeanor, "Anyways. I'm Kaname Chidori. We should at least be friendly if we're gonna live in such close quarters, right?"

He nodded stiffly, eying her warily, "True enough. I'm-."

"Don't." Sousuke blinked in confusion, wondering why she would introduce herself and talk about being friendly, then turn around and stop him from doing the same. Shaking her head, she turned away from him, walking the few steps back to the bed and sat on the edge of it once more. Looking up at the ceiling, she shook her head once again and closed her eyes, "Don't." He did not bother to respond, instead watching as her fingers grasped at the sheet, the twitching digits being the only outward projection of her thoughts at that moment. Sighing, her fingers relaxed until her palms rested flat on the bed, and she dropped her head so that her chin nearly met her chest. Taking in a deep breath and raising her head with the action, she looked at him with determination, "Don't, because I can't. Though you don't seem like the others, you're still one of them, one of the people keeping me here, helping me to be used for such bizarre experiments. This treatment, it's not human. So I can't. If I know your name, you become human."

Startled by the explanation, he pulled back slightly, sucking in a sharp breath of air as he tried to make his body smaller, further from her without leaving the chair. So, that was how she was dealing with it then. Making her captors out to be something other than fellow human beings. It wasn't the first time he'd heard of such methods, and he himself had been called a 'monster' and a 'demon' before, so it really was nothing new. Still though, hearing it from her, that she could not think of him as human, it hurt him for some strange reason. Not appreciating the odd stirring of emotions she created in him, he did what he should have done when he first realized she was having an effect on him. He withdrew, from her, from himself, from the situation. He slapped on the mask of 'Kashim,' the name given to him so many years ago that divided himself from who he was and might be.

She wanted him not to be human? He could do that. The emotionless self he was at one point took over, and was aware when she noticed the change in him. People had that kind of a reaction around him, one where they were prey in the presence of a predator. Kaname's shoulders bunched up and she eyed him warily, her body trembling slightly because of him once more, though she did a remarkable job of keeping the reaction to a minimum.

It seemed, then, they were at a stalemate of a sorts. She had wanted them to be more friendly but had told him she could not bring herself to view him as a human. He had been willing to be friendly, in spite of all of his years of training, but when she said those words he instead gave her want she wanted. An inhuman roommate. There could only be one or the other, he was incapable of both. Maybe she wanted the friendliness more, but he could not make that choice, not him.

Hours passed between them in silence as they regarded one another in a new light. Any progress made that day had been destroyed by one insecure girl's attempt to maintain her sanity. Neither was able to get a read on the other anymore, his once expressive eyes now hid everything from her, and she went on the defensive, her stubborn self not allowing her to give away anything to him. At some point, they drifted off to sleep like that, neither willing to budge in the seeming war of attrition.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:** My apologies for the length of time it took me to get this one out. I had to take a few breaks from writing because of my health, and this story suffered as a result. I will try to make sure I get at least one more chapter done within the month before I have to take another hiatus due to moving out of an apartment and into a house. I won't be able to get much writing done then since I'll be busy working to make the house more homely, of course, though I've no intention of stopping completely of course. It will just slow down for a month or two. Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews, I honestly had my reservations about the reception of this story, and it's been going over so much better than I ever could have hoped.**__**

WARNING: P_**ossible triggers ahead**_. It's going to start getting dark. Take care when reading from now on, sensitive subjects shall be touched upon in approaching chapters. And with that, please enjoy.

* * *

**Let Me Be Myself - Chapter Three**

Standing in the shower, Kaname stared down at her body, frowning. It was a weekly ritual for her, a way to keep track of the time. She went to the lab and was thrown in the capsule twice a week at an even interval. Two days off, then three days off, so she knew that every other lab day meant a week had passed. Every week she examined her body to see how it had changed from the new sedentary life she found herself in. Every week she was disgusted with what she saw. Sighing, she listed to the side and leaned against the cold tile wall. Surely there had to be something she could do to keep active, though she couldn't help but wonder if her guard would stop her from trying to stay in shape.

Fiercely shaking her head, she slammed the side of her fist into the wall with a growl. What was she doing? Tugging on her hair, Kaname jumped when there was a rough knock on the door. Taking in a deep breath, repeating in her head for what felt the millionth time 'Get a-hold of yourself,' she nodded and then glared through the glass door at the solid one closing off the bathroom, snapping a sharp "What?"

"Nothing."

"Like hell it's nothing, what!?"

"Making sure you're alive. Since you answered, I'm assuming yes."

"Thanks for that," she muttered sarcastically, turning her face into the stream to block out any reply he might have. Finishing up her shower, she stepped out and toweled off, staring thoughtfully at the wall. Pulling on her change of clothes, she walked out into the main room and looked over at Sousuke while tossing the towel into a corner. "Hey."

Glancing up from the knife he was sharpening, he nodded in acknowledgment before returning to his task. Putting her hands on her hips, Kaname scowled at him, not appreciating his dismissive behavior. "I want to go outside."

"You can't."

"I haven't seen the sun in…," she paused and glanced down at her hands, counting off on her fingers. He had been there two weeks now, and she had been at that place another, what was it, two weeks? Nodding, she looked back at him, crossing her arms over her chest, "a month. It's been a month. I want to smell fresh air."

"You can't."

"Why not?"

"You're only allowed in your designated areas."

Twitching, she grated at the reminder that she was a prisoner. "Well, then sneak me out."

He raised a brow at her, the expression speaking volumes of his wonder if she were sane, and then he just turned back to his knife with a shake of his head. "You've mentioned it before. I'm as stuck here with you as you are with me. I wouldn't be able to."

"Come on, aren't you sick of being cooped up too? Can't you figure something out? Or is babysitting the only thing you're good at?"

Tucking away his knife and whetting stone, Sousuke leaned back in the chair and narrowed his gaze. "I'm very capable of accomplishing various objectives. I still won't break you out though."

Plopping down on the bed, she bunched her shoulders and leaned back, swinging her legs around, "I'm not asking you to get me out of here for good. I just want to see the sun and maybe go for a run."

"Why should I get in trouble for you?"

Biting her lip, she wondered if she was going to have to barter for the illusion of freedom. She stared at her legs, realizing there was only one thing she had to offer. Was she willing to go that far? Shaking her head roughly, she berated herself for even considering it. A month and she was cracking? No, she wouldn't give them the pleasure. Scooting back on the bed until she rested against the wall, Kaname stretched one leg out and drew up a knee, resting her arm on it and staring up at the ceiling. "I guess you shouldn't. Fine. Sorry I asked."

"Hm," Sousuke pulled out his side arm and began field stripping it, making sure to keep himself sharp on all of its mechanics.

"What about a hair dryer and a razor? Why are those so much to ask for?"

Counting the bullets in the clip, Sousuke didn't bother looking at her as he responded, "The hair dryer is an amenity. You don't get anything but the bare essentials."

"And the razor?"

"You're a suicide risk."

The laugh that tore through her throat was so harsh it more resembled a bark. "Suicide risk? Do you have any idea how easy it would be to kill myself if I wanted? I could hang myself when taking a shower, I could pull off one of the metal fixtures and stick in a wall socket, I could turn on the oven while you were asleep and kill us both, and that's barely scraping the surface. If I wanted to kill myself, it'd be done."

He was silent for a moment before softly responding, "You've put some thought into it."

Kaname took pause at the simple words, her mouth hanging slightly open as she realized he was right. Settling back, she slid down along the wall and folded her hands over her stomach, turning her gaze to the side. "I guess I have. I won't do it though."

"Is that right?"

"Damn right it's right!" taking offense at the accusation, she sat up and leaned forward, glaring at him. "I've been down that road before, all right, and I don't like where it leads! I'm not going to die here like an animal! I'm going to live! I'm going to fight it, everything they do to me, and I'm going to live!"

Staring at her, Sousuke turned the extra bullet he had ejected from the chamber over in his fingers. Something about what she said sparked something in his memory, and while he couldn't quite place it, the words made him feel drawn to her, compelled to help her in what way he could. Glancing down at the brass in his hand, he held the bullet between his fingers, the point digging into his forefinger. "A razor was it? And a hair dryer? I'll see what I can do."

No small amount of shocked, Kaname gaped. Was he serious? Hope bubbled up inside of her, and while she felt apprehensive about it, she was content to nurse the feeling. She needed every bit that she could get. Slowly crawling off the bed, she took a step towards him, pausing nervously. "Really? You'll get me what I asked for?"

"Only if I can. I make no promises."

Smiling, Kaname squealed in delight and jumped forward, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. "Thank you!" She felt him stiffen up under her, but at that moment she couldn't pull away. It wasn't until that moment that she realized she had completely abandoned hope. Tears streamed down her cheeks and she burrowed her face into his shoulder, sobbing.

Sousuke swallowed thickly, wishing he had an exit. Bullet in one hand, detached slide in the other, he was stuck there with a crying girl haphazardly sat in his lap. It was not a situation he was used to being in, and at that moment he wanted to be far, far away. "Uh, let go of me."

"S-Sorry. It's just," pulling back, she wiped the tears from her eyes and smiled at him, "I'm happy. It feels like forever since I've been happy."

"Uh, good? Off," he was frowning as she pulled away from him with a tiny laugh. She made it difficult to detach himself from her, and once again part of him wanted to run away. Kaname was very dangerous to him, challenging all of his instincts. It made no sense to him why he acted different with her than he had with anyone else, and it bothered him.

Her spirits boosted, Kaname stretched and looked up at the ceiling, grinning wildly. "Do you mind if I do some exercise?"

Blinking, Sousuke glanced down at the pieces of his Glock strewn about the floor by his feet. With a shake of his head, he bent down to retrieve them, putting the weapon together with the ease of familiarity before tucking it away. "No. I don't mind."

Having been worried as he took his time answering, Kaname felt another smile tug at her lips. "Great! Thanks!"

"Hm. Not a problem."

* * *

She went to the lab twice a week, but that wasn't the only obligation Kaname had to her captors. There were no days that she had completely to herself, which was wearing down on her fast. Well aware that was the point, she forced herself to concentrate on the blueprints before her. At first she had stared at the things like they were written in some alien script, but as the time went on she began understanding them better. There was a change, she knew, and it seemed to be rapidly increasing since that day the doctor had used drugs on her. Tapping the blueprints, she frowned, something about them bugging her.

"Anything you have to say about them?" a technician standing nearby with an electronic clipboard noticed her expression.

Leaning back in the chair, Kaname regarded them for a moment longer before shrugging. "Not really. I think something's wrong, but I don't know what."

"Good enough for now," taking away the plans, he set down a sheet of mathematical problems in place of it. "Solve these then you're done."

"Y'know, if I'd been allowed to finish school before you assholes kidnapped me, I might stand a better chance."

"Save it for someone who cares. Solve."

Grumbling, Kaname grabbed the pencil resting off to the side and poked her cheek with it. The subtle pain helped her get a grip on reality, and after taking in a deep breath she turned her attention back to the paper. They had started her on simple tests, addition, subtraction, multiplication, division. Then they introduced an ever-so-slight increase in difficulty to easy algebra. Imaginary numbers eventually worked their way in amongst prime numbers, roots, and exponents. They took a rather sharp jump this time though, and she had no way to describe the mess of numbers and symbols before her eyes.

With a sigh, Kaname squeezed her eyes shut and rubbed the bridge of her nose, setting her hand down though she had no idea where to begin. Cracking open her eyes, she barely saw the problems as her hand started moving almost of its own accord. Marking the answers, quickly, it wasn't until the sheet was filled out that she realized she had even started working on it. Coming to, she blinked in surprise at the answers she had come up with. Were they completely random numbers, or did she actually make sense of the disaster handed to her?

The technician pulled the paper away before she could examine it further, comparing it with a sheet he had on hand and then marking something on his clipboard. "Good, better results than expected. You can go now."

"Huh? Did I get it right?"

"Yes. Now go, I have work to do."

Slipping out of the chair, she sighed as she stretched her knees. Her mind felt foggy as she made her way to the door, confused by what had just happened. Rubbing the back of her head, she realized that the detached feeling she had just experienced was similar to the one she forced on herself when drugs were used in her testing. Her hand paused over the door knob as she came to another realization. The feeling of another self taking over, a fog keeping her true self in the dark, it was something she had started experiencing every morning, and she couldn't remember when that had started.

"Will you go?"

Having forgotten she wasn't alone, Kaname jumped and turned, scowling at the testy technician, "Right, right, I'm going, I'm going. Geez," muttering under her breath, she gripped the handle and opened the door to see only room's guards, her personal babysitter nowhere to be seen. Poking her head out, she frowned, turning to one of the men, "Where's my guard?"

"Not back yet," the two men shared a glance and a shrug. A short game of rock-paper-scissors played out, and the one that lost gripped her arm tightly and tugged her towards her room. "Right, let's go."

Frowning at the treatment, she winced at the pain as she was dragged along, "Ow, you're hurting me."

"Oops."

The fingers only dug in deeper, and Kaname was sure she would bruise from the action. Reaching her room, she yelped when she was tossed in. Whirling around, she raised up her arms defensively as the man took a step inside, "What do you think you're doing!?"

"Well, since your babysitter isn't here, I guess it falls on me to keep an eye on you. Don't worry sweetie, I'll treat you good."

"I'm sure your buddy would rather not be at his post alone."

"I have to make the most of this, y'know."

"I didn't always have a live-in guard, I'm sure leaving me alone for a few hours won't be a problem."

The man had her pinned against a wall, having advanced on her while they traded words. Resting his arms on either side of her, he grinned, his eyes trailing up and down her body, "You're a little chubby, but it's been long enough that I don't much care."

"Ch-Chubby!?" what it said about her that in the face of being raped she found herself reacting strongest to being called 'chubby' she had no idea, and she didn't much care. Shaking in fear and anger, Kaname was an inch from slamming her knee into his groin, consequences be damned, when the man was pulled away.

"I'm back. You can return to your post," Sousuke stared at the man emotionlessly as he pulled him back and pushed him towards the door.

Stumbling back, the man rubbed his wrist while sneering at Sousuke. "You should train her better, she's too uppity," satisfied he got the last word, the man closed the door and left the room's guards to activate the security measures, returning to his companion.

Not taking his eyes off the door, Sousuke controlled his breathing as he pushed aside the unfamiliar wrath that he felt. Nervous, Kaname wrapped her arms around her chest self-consciously, taking a tentative step forward, "Th-Thanks."

He lifted his head at the sound of her voice, slowly turning to face her, as though aware for the first time that she were there. "Right. My fault for returning late. I'll be more careful about that."

"Oh," she murmured, unsure of what to say. Tucking stray strands of hair behind her ear, she looked around and laughed nervously, giving a small shrug, "Well, anyways. Thanks for getting rid of him. I was worried." Sousuke took up his seat, grunting in response. Sighing at the lack of conversation, Kaname sat down heavily on the edge of the bed, flopping back against it and staring up at the ceiling. "They're really trying to break me, huh?"

"Most likely."

Frowning, she rested her arm across her forehead, taking in a few deep breaths as she tried to calm her nerves. "If they're trying to break me, why didn't they make someone like him my guard?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well," sitting up, she folded her legs under her and leaned forward, looking at him pointedly, "That guy obviously had nothing agains the idea of, well," sighing, she swallowed as the realization of what almost happened to her hit her again. Refusing to be defeated, she plowed on, "of raping me. But you, you've never given me any sign that you'd do something like that. And you even made him stop. I don't want to push my luck, but, why?"

It was an excellent point she raised. Why, indeed. Why didn't they give her someone that would take advantage? And why did he stop the other man? Closing his eyes, he steadied his breathing as he wondered at the rage that had boiled up inside of him at the thought of what that man was going to do. "Why, was it?" he spoke softly, as though to himself. Kaname tilted her head to the side and watched him curiously, biting her lip to keep from saying anything and interrupting his thoughts. Looking at her, she blushed at the intensity of his expression, though the emotions he showed were indescribable at best. "The idea of using someone in such a way makes me sick. Growing up, my people," he sucked in a breath, seething at the memories from his childhood in Afghanistan. "My people lost their war, and our lands, our culture, our religion, our women and children, all of it was raped," he was stretching the meaning of the word, but he felt it applied.

Such a lack of regard for everything was shown to the only place he had known a family, and thinking on it stirred up emotions he'd thought long since buried. Getting hold of himself, he thought to the other 'why.' Kaname looked on in concern as he fought for control of his thoughts, about to get up from her seat when he started speaking again, quietly. "As for me, I think it was because they could use this time to judge me. I am new here, and a high risk for treachery. I was employed by an organization that stops people like these before a couple months ago." Why he was telling her as much, he had no idea.

Frowning, Kaname sat back down on the bed with a soft thump, "Why switch sides?"

"I-," he stopped, seeming to think better of his words. Shaking his head, he decided there was no need to go into his emotions. Simple responses were better, "I'm a mercenary."

Her fingers twitched at the hardness that had crept back into his voice. She could tell his answer was a cover, though what for, she had no idea. As much as she wanted to hope, she held none in the thought that perhaps it was because he truly was a spy. It would just be entirely too good to be true. No, whatever it was he was hiding was likely personal, and while she wanted to push at the sign that maybe he was opening up to her, it was just too much. The fact that she wanted him to open up scared her more than she could reasonably explain. Last thing she needed was to get attached to someone at that place, it really was.

Jumping to her feet, she grinned when his head shot up in surprise, and she shrugged, "Well, no matter. I'm glad you're here and not them, so I guess I shouldn't question the 'why's and ruin my luck." What she said confused him, and his expression must have showed it as she giggled softly. Something about the quiet laughter put him at ease, and he was as shocked as she was to find that a small smile twitched at his lips. Folding her arms behind her head and looking around nervously, Kaname sought for a distraction, and, finding one, nodded to herself and dropped her arms, "Well, if you don't mind, I'm going to do some more exercise. Is that all right?"

Sousuke rose from his seat and tucked the chair in an out of the way corner, her signal that it was certainly all right. She glanced up in confusion when he took up a spot next to her, joining her in stretches. Looking over to her, he nodded, "It might be good for you to learn some self-defense around here. I'll teach you some."

"Really?" she had not expected that, not one bit. It seemed to go against all logic, teaching the prisoner how to take someone out. She was not about to complain though, accepting any edge she could get.

"Affirmative. Should something like that happen again, you'll be able to hold them off for some time."

Finished stretching, they faced each other, and Kaname nodded, reaching into her pocket to pull out a rubber band she had swiped from one of the rooms and using it to tie back her hair. It was not an ideal tie, but at least it was something. Meeting his gaze with renewed confidence, she grinned, "All right, Sensei. Teach me."

* * *

She was aware that she was saying something, but the words coming from her lips were both foreign and familiar at once. A spark of recognition, but if asked, she couldn't really say what it was that a platheodium reactor was, she just _knew_. In her voice came the answers to some rather advanced questions, but it wasn't a conscious action. It almost felt as though she were watching herself give way this information to these cruel people, and she was trapped and helpless to stop it. Locked inside a glass cage, or perhaps one made of mirrors, showing a reflection of a her that wasn't, she banged against the walls, screaming and crying and begging and pleading with herself to stop, to just stop talking, to halt all words, to never speak again. The words, while she couldn't say what they meant, she just knew that she didn't want them having them.

They were her words. Dangerous words, words that could turn the tide of power in the world in the hands of people like those surrounding her. And while she was the one speaking them, she could not stop it. The drugs coursing through her body kept her locked up in that tidy prison within her own mind, leaving her a nervous wreck as she broke down. Finally though, finally, a sprig of hope sprouted in the form of a crack in the walls. She had been at it long enough, the chemicals in her veins were wearing off. Exhausted, and well aware that if the prison had been literal, had she truly been banging against walls for so long, she'd have been a bloody mess with broken knuckles, she slowly stood and stumbled towards the crack.

It was _her_ mind, dammit, her body, her say! Growling and using all of her might, once more grateful that this was mental and not physical, she threw herself against the weakened structure and stumbled out, reaching to throttle the self of hers that was spilling the secrets of technology that had no right existing to the evil around. That self just grinned at her before disappearing, and all at once she fell back into her body, whole of mind once more. Eyes shooting open and taking in a deep breath, the scientists slowly lowered clipboards and turned off tape recorders, aware that the moment was over. Looking around, she coughed weakly, her throat feeling sore from how much talking she had been doing.

"Excellent, you're finally becoming useful," the woman motioned for her to be removed from the capsule she was locked in, and she fell out of the machine, her knees weak. All that mental exertion seemed to have a physical effect after all, and she glanced at her hands, half-expecting to see them tattered in spite of logic. Sighing, she rested her forehead on the cool ground, taking in breath after deep, shuddering breath, grounding herself back into reality.

Not that her reality was pleasant.

"Someone get her out of here, we need to get to work making sense of this. Can't have trash lying about."

Trash, was it? Perhaps she really was cracking, a hoarse laugh tearing itself from her throat as she was lifted roughly from either side and dragged to the door. Stumbling into Sousuke, she trembled as she continued to laugh, tears streaming down her face. If she was 'trash,' then why did they keep her around? Couldn't they just throw her out? She was done with it, done with all of it. That day, she felt broken. She wanted to fight, she did, but losing herself, being forced to watch another self take over, it was just too much.

For his part, Sousuke stood there like stone, letting her cry against him and use him to keep herself upright. His face did nothing to show his emotion, but inside he was seething. He wanted nothing more at that moment than to go into that laboratory and destroy everything. It could not be done, though, he knew that. But that did not mean he had to like it. Feeling the sobs subsiding, he slowly pulled her away from him and gripped her by the elbow, leading her back to their shared room as gently as he could without looking suspicious.

Once inside the only seeming sanctum she had anymore, Kaname stumbled over to her bed and fell into the mattress, breaking habit. Frowning, Sousuke stood there and looked over at her, glancing over at his chair and then back to her. His fingers twitched, hand clenching into a fist and then easing out before tightening once more, and he let out an aggravated breath before turning to engage in an action he was painfully unfamiliar with.

Setting down on the edge of the bed beside her, he looked over at the wall, unsure of what to say. Consoling someone was not something he knew of, and he closed his eyes, trying to find the words. Kaname rolled over to look up at him when she felt the mattress dip from the extra weight, and she was unsure what to expect. Reaching up to wipe tears from her eyes, she blinked in confusion when he finally spoke, "I got you what you asked for." His voice was tight from strain, and she noticed he was being uncharacteristically twitchy, his hands moving as he pressed fingertips lightly together and turned his thumb from pointing at the ceiling to his chest and back down again.

"What I...?" she breathed out the words shakily, her voice still rough from overuse.

Sousuke looked down at her and nodded, finally halting in his movements, and he nodded, "Yes. The razor and hairdryer. They are in the bathroom," he had expected her to just find them upon taking her usual after-experiment shower. That, however, had not happened, and he was left to announce that he'd got them as the only thing he could think of that may cheer her.

It seemed to work, though, at least, as she fell back agains the pillow and looked up at the ceiling, chewing nervously on her lip. She had stopped crying, and deep breaths steadied her. Slowly curling up her legs before swinging them over the edge of the bed, she sat beside him, and smiled weakly up to him. "Thank you," she whispered before leaning against him, resting her head on his shoulder as she repeated herself, "Thank you."

Suppressing the urge to shudder softly at the contact and the sound of her sweet, sorrowful voice, he waited until the lump had removed itself from his throat before replying, "It's not a problem."

Smiling, Kaname had come to enjoy hearing those words from him, having learned rather early on that it was a favorite catch phrase of his. She stood up and made her way to the bathroom, and with a hand gripping the threshold she turned to look over her shoulder and smiled at him, "I really appreciate it." Slipping in to the room, she closed the door behind her and turned on the water. Looking around, she noticed the razor was waiting for her in the stall, and that the hairdryer was set beside the sink. It was amazing what having such simple amenities she had taken for granted could do for her spirits. Feeling bolstered by their presence, she stripped off her clothes and slipped into the steady stream.

Making due with what she had on hand, she shaved her legs, running her hands along the once-again smooth skin, and when she finished, she stood up and looked down at herself. Perhaps she wasn't as toned as she once was anymore, and perhaps her skin was paler since being forced to never see the sun even through a window, but it didn't hurt to look at her body that time. Exercise, well, she was working on that. And as for her pallid complexion, well, that eventually that could be changed.

Because she was determined to believe that 'eventually' she would be free. She refused to put a time on it, but she had to let herself believe it would happen, or else she would go mad.

Turning off the water, she stepped out and toweled herself down, pulling on a fresh set of clothes. Picking up the hairdryer, she grinned as she realized he had picked one with a few different comb attachments. She did not have a brush, having had to make due with her fingers, and it had slipped her mind to ask for one. Flipping on the machine, the blast of heat against her face filled her with peace, and she could feel a tightening on her chest that she had not even realized had been there finally loosening up.

When she finished grooming herself, she stepped out, a wide smile on her face as she turned to look over at Sousuke. He nodded to her, his shoulders relaxing as he saw how much better she was looking, and he found himself feeling grateful that she had convinced him to get hold of those objects for her. Rising up from his seat, he pulled the chair off to the side, "Do you want to learn more self-defense?"

"I think I would," she pulled her hair back and nodded with a grin. "But before that, I have a question."

"What's that?"

Pausing, she tilted her head to the side, and her expression turned contemplative. Finally, she timidly asked, "What's your name?"

Staring at her, he was surprised by the question. His name, it really was such a simple thing. He had been about to volunteer the information before when she had stopped him, and his memory of the reason why kept him from answering. No, the him he was there, working for those people, wasn't a him that she wanted to know, he was sure. Shaking his head, he reached out pulled her shoulders back and her arms up into a defensive stance while she looked up at him in confusion.

"You don't want to know."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Sorry for my long silence. Writer's block is a bitch, I had a complete and total creative block for a long time, but finally managed to overcome it, it seems. I HOPE to stop this long-time between chapters, but I make no promises. I can promise to try my best to be more timely, but I won't post something that comes out as crap, so if there's a long time between posts... Well, I try, at any rate.

Enjoy!

* * *

**Let Me Be Myself - Chapter Four**

In the gym, Sousuke turned his aggressions on an unsuspecting weighted bag. He wasn't any less angry working for Amalgam than he had been for Mithril, but for entirely different reasons. Was it too much to ask for him to find a happy median? All he wanted was to fight wars and make enough to survive. No orders to let people live and to take them as prisoners instead just because. And no orders to watch an innocent girl slowly lose her mind and to be forced to help her stay captive either. This had nothing to do with being a mercenary. He did not enjoy taking part in this, and the only reason he hadn't given up on it yet was that he knew what would happen to her if he did.

Slamming the side of his fist into the bag, he worked his way around it, never staying in place for it to swing back into him. His body automatically accounted for the fact that this target would not train him for a human foe, and he did more work against it than was actually necessary. Ducking and spinning and dodging, he followed one of dozens of sets of motions he had committed to memory, the bag serving as something solid for him to strike. It felt good, too, the impact. The sand in the bag wasn't a perfect replication of the sensation that flesh under fist gave, but it was close enough. As he worked, he imagined every one of those sickening scientists falling under his blows.

It was just as well for them that he had amazing self-control. He may not have much in the way of an imagination for most everything else, but when it came to violence? Well, it was what he was most familiar with, after all. He had no shortage of creative ways to hurt and kill a person, and the Russians who initially trained him had made sure he was well versed in torture. Elbow, back-hand, reverse punch, elbow, back-hand, dodge, duck, lock hands, elbow at neck height, elbow at jaw, duck back, uppercut, dodge, and then he twisted and started another new set, changing it up often, his restlessness showing in his lack of discipline.

No one there knew him though, so no one knew that something was amiss. He was just the quiet guy who occasionally lifted weights, or beat the hell out of the bag using one form or another. Sometimes he would do stretches and falls, keeping his body limber. He made no effort to become friendly with these people, not after what he had seen of the way the vast majority of them were. These were the unsavories, and even before his days in Mithril he had avoided such people.

"Oh-ho, is that Kashim?"

Hearing that name, and that voice, he paused dead in his actions. Slowly rising into a standing, almost relaxed stance, he turned to where the statement had come from. Standing by a weight machine was Gauron, dressed in a loose tee and exercise shorts, a large grin on his face. Frowning, Sousuke glared at him, "What are you doing here?"

"I work here," approaching him, he leaned over a bar that separated them, smirking, "Same as you, it seems."

"I meant _alive_. I was sure I killed you."

"Ah, that. Well, I'm sure you would have, but see," pulling up the scarce hairs covering his forehead, he showed the large scar that hadn't been hidden at all, then dropped his hair to scratch at the old injury. "I had a metal plate in there from an earlier attack. Sorry Kashim, you weren't my first. I hope you don't feel betrayed."

Snorting derisively, Sousuke took a few steps back, putting the bag between him and Gauron without turning his back on the man. "Hardly. Just offended. I don't like finding my hard work undone."

Gauron tossed his head back and laughed, drawing the attention of everyone in the gym, no matter how intense their work-out. They all stopped what they were doing to watch. Though it wasn't entirely too difficult to amuse the man, it wasn't often he seemed to be _genuinely_ entertained. Although, his laughter was a scary sound as well, as psychotic a man as Gauron was, they were all unnerved by the noise. "Kaaashim, Kashiiim, I'm so happy we'll be working together. Aren't you? No hard feelings, right? At least, there's no need for us to be at each other's throats."

"I'll never trust you, Gauron."

"I love you, Kashim."

That was enough of _that_ conversation. Sousuke picked up his shirt, shaking his head at the bemoaning noises the large man was making, he pulled it on quickly and turned to glare at Gauron. "Just stay away from me and there will be no problems."

"But Kashim, we're _friends_ now."

"Not on your life, Gauron. And if you want it to last much longer, you'll keep your distance. You killed my friends, remember? I want you dead."

Leaning over the bar, Gauron almost pouted, though the expression was entirely staged, "That was all business, though, Kashim, surely you understand? Can't we move past that?"

"No."

With that, he left, unsure if he would ever visit the facility's gym again. Not when there was that man wandering about. Glancing at his watch, he frowned as he realized that conversation, and perhaps his preoccupation as well, had taken up nearly all of his time. He could not hit the showers first, and instead he made his way straight to the lab to claim his charge. Waiting by the entrance, he worked to calm himself, not wanting to take his anger and fear at having run into Gauron out on her. She shuffled out of the lab, eyes blank, seeming to just be walking in whatever direction she was turned to face and having no real sense other than that. Reaching out, he gently gripped her elbow and steered her slowly down the halls until they arrived at their room.

He didn't think she could shower like that, not when she didn't seem to be moving on her own power, so he sat her on the bed and took up his chair, frowning. Wondering if it would be all right for him to take his shower, uncomfortable in the way his clothes were sticking to him, he didn't want to leave her alone. Though, she didn't seem as though she would do much of anything if he did. Sighing, he stood up and swung the small distance to come to rest on the bed beside her, reaching out to grip her shoulder. No reaction. He tucked a finger under her chin and lifted her head until she faced him.

No one home?

He resisted the urge to shudder at the completely lifeless expression. "Chidori. I'm going to take a shower. I'll be quick, all right?" He hadn't expected an answer, and didn't get one. He took the time to make sure she was settled in, laying down on the bed and covered up, and then he grabbed a change of clothes and stepped into the bathroom. Twisting on the shower, he knew she liked her showers hot, and he honestly could not care less about the temperature, so he left it cold. Quickly stripping down, he stepped in, a swift run through with shampoo, a once over with soap, and he rinsed off his body. He would usually leave it at that, but after his run in with Gauron, he grabbed the soap again with a frown, scrubbing himself down with more ferocity until his skin turned pink from the abuse.

After rinsing down, he turned the water off with a sigh and grabbed the towel. He tousled his hair so that it wouldn't drip onto the rest of his body and then ran the towel down head to toe. Returning to the hair to more thoroughly dry it, he didn't hear the motion on the other side of the door. He did, however, hear the shriek, if not the words behind the high pitched screaming. Dropping the towel, he reached for his gun instinctively, assuming there was danger, until a pillow hit him square in the face. "_PERVERT!_"

Catching the pillow so it didn't land on the wet ground, he blinked in confusion, "Pervert?"

"What the hell do you think you're doing, standing there naked like that!"

"This is a bathroom, equipped with a shower. I was showering, and now I am drying. It is common to be naked during such activities."

Kaname growled and stood aside, pointing to the main room, "OUT! I want to take _my_ shower!"

He shook his head, donning his clothes as she turned around, then he grabbed his things and exited the small room. Sousuke could hear her grumbling under her breath as he passed by. She quickly replaced the towel and pulled out a set of clothes before slamming the door closed and turning on the water. Shrugging, he left her to her temper and took up his chair, glancing around. If Amalgam was trying to inspire loyalty in him, they were doing a poor job of it. He did not have many needs, but even so, he was feeling caged in himself. His knife could not possibly get any sharper, his gun any cleaner. Hell, he wasn't even sure his body could get any more in shape than it was now, and he had already done his daily exercise.

Frowning, he glanced at the door to the bathroom, hearing the sounds of water running from the shower and splashing against the person inside. With a fierce shake of his head, he stood up and paced the room, inspecting it even more closely than he had his first day there. Their kitchen was stocked, but hardly with much of anything. It was a full kitchen, sure, but the only foods they were provided used the microwave. Even he was starting to feel the effects of eating nothing but junk nearly all the time, and he could see the effects on his fellow prisoner in this room. Perhaps he should change that. It would be nice to have real food at times, and if anyone asked, he could always say it was just for him.

No one had to know that he had an altruistic side.

He wasn't even all that fond of that part of him, trying hard to push it aside. Every time he tried to deny it, however, it seemed to spring forward more powerful than ever. His conscience would not allow him to ignore the girl he was stuck there with, no matter what. He was doomed from the outset, and since there was no way he would ever leave her there without him to look after her, he might as well get used to being a slave to his emotions. At least, when it came to her. Set on the idea of acquiring the necessities for cooking, he sighed at the realization that he had no idea just what exactly he would need.

Kaname exited the bathroom, arching a brow at the rather amusing image of her guard rubbing the back of his head in frustration and sighing. Clearing her throat as she tossed the dirty laundry aside, she propped her hands on her hips, "Is something the matter? Life stuck in this tiny room with me getting to you? Well, I'm _sorry_, mister, geez, it's not _my_ fault!"

"No, that's not-," he shook his head at his haste to correct her. Taking advantage of the time she stared at him in shock, he organized his thoughts, "What do you know about cooking?"

"Huh?"

"Cooking. Food. I only know field cooking. I was thinking it might be preferable to gather up some things so that we could have real meals instead. However, I don't think that you would find MREs to be a step-up, at least not in taste, though they would have all the nutrients we aren't getting from the food we've been provided."

Shuffling side to side, she bit her lower lip, surprised by this sudden show of kindness. Honestly, what was he trying to do to her? Whenever she tried to push him away, he just had to go and do something sweet like that. No, no, no, not sweet! He was keeping her there just as much as they were, no matter that he tried to make it more bearable, he was still guilty! Yes, that was it. "I like cooking. I could give you a list, if you'd like?"

He relaxed, gratified by those words, and nodded towards the drawer where the pad of paper and pens were kept, "Please. I'd like to be able to get them as soon as possible."

"All right then. I'll put a star next to anything I think is necessary, everything else would be nice, but if you can't, then I understand."

"Affirmative."

Sitting down on the bed, she curled her legs up and started writing, "How will you get them in though?"

"I'll just tell them that I'm tired of living off frozen food, and that I thought it was about time you earned your worth as a woman," he shook his head at the words that fell from his lips, but he knew they would be the best explanation.

Kaname smiled wryly and nodded in agreement. "Right," she replied dryly, "Well. What kind of foods do you like? Or don't?"

"I'm not picky. If it's food, I'll eat it. I'm just tired of meals that don't fulfill my body's needs."

"Hm. All right then. I'll put the ingredients for a few different meals here, just get whatever you can. I'll make sure they're blocked off so you know what goes to what."

Nodding, he watched her write, hardly hesitating as she listed out cooking implements and ingredients, surprised by the deftness she displayed. It seemed to him that she really must enjoy cooking as she said, to remember what she needed so easily. When she finished, she set the paper aside and he gathered it up, putting it in the holster of his gun so that it was hidden away.

"Why do you keep your gun and knife on you, here? Or, I guess, why do they let you? Isn't anyone afraid that I'd take them from you?"

"If someone like you could disarm me, I wouldn't still be alive."

Sniffing indignantly, she hopped off the bed and jabbed him in the shoulder with a finger, rising at the unintended challenge. "Oh? Someone like me? And just what exactly does _that_ mean, anyways!"

"You're untrained and untried, a civilian. I've been doing this a long time, you wouldn't stand a chance." He spoke using a tone of voice that said she really ought to have known this without needing to be told, and his expression said the same, irritating her to no end.

"Untrained? Haven't you been _giving _me that training? And untried, well, fine, but I'm no weakling. When push comes to shove, I give it my all. I don't back down, dammit! What do you take me for, huh? Here I thought you were a nice guy, but you're just like the rest of them, you condescending je-_gh!_"

Before she could finish her tirade, Sousuke had stepped into her and tossed her onto the ground using one of the throws he had shown her before. She yelped, slapping the ground to break her landing. Eyes wide with shock, she was about to question what he was doing when he tugged on the arm he still held and twisted her to face the ground, driving her down. Growling, she'd had enough. He really _was_ like the others!

Launching her weight into him, she threw him off balance, taking advantage of the loose stance he fell into to yank her arm free of his grasp and knock his leg out from underneath him. He fell to the ground with a grunt and she groped for one of his legs, tugging and whimpering when he kicked it free. Then he was on top of her, her arms and legs were pinned and she was helpless. Gasping in pain as he pulled her arms roughly, she cursed the sting of tears at the corners of her eyes. She had trusted him, dammit!

"Not bad for a first time, but you left yourself wide open. The leg bar was a bad idea, you should have rolled and hammer-fisted me in the groin, though I admit I'm grateful you didn't. It would have incapacitated me though. I've taught you quite a few techniques, Chidori, but I haven't drilled you in how to actually use them yet. That was an oversight on my part, I'll make sure you're better equipped for the future."

"Th-That was just, you were testing me!" He released her arms and stood up, offering a hand to help her to her feet as he nodded in answer. Warily, she gripped his hand, and feeling indignation at what she was just put through spark up, she decided to turn the tables. Before rising completely to her feet, she dropped back down, grabbing at his shoulder and yanking him down with her, kicking up in his stomach and rolling back, sending him flying into the wall behind her. Standing up, flushed and upset, she turned a furious glare on him, "You're a jerk, you know that!"

Coughing, he slowly rose, dusting himself off and nodding grimly, "I had gathered as much. I'm sorry. That was a very well executed toss."

"Thank you. You're still a jerk."

"Understood."

Looking at each other awkwardly, Kaname felt a smile slowly cross her lips in spite of herself, and she chuckled lightly. "All right, all right, I get it. I'm untried. Try-ify me then."

"Try-i-? Never mind. I understand. Just like before, except now you know what my intentions are. Perhaps it would have been better if I'd left you unaware, but, well, it's too late. I'm going to attack you now."

* * *

Standing in the grocery store, Sousuke frowned at his list as he stared at the shelf. Did brand matter? He had never done such shopping before in his life, and everything seemed to be worded slightly differently, yet the same, and he had no idea what to buy. Sighing, he rubbed his head as he felt pressure build up. An old woman came up beside him and reached out, grabbing one of the items he had been staring at, and then added it to her basket. Glancing down at her, he reached out for the same one, looking it over.

"First time doing the shopping?" she chuckled knowingly, nodding at his frown.

"I've always lived off ready-meals. This is a first for me, but, since it's her," he sighed.

Grinning, the woman spoke wistfully, "Ah, young love." Oblivious to how he stiffened, she took a glance at the contents of his basket, "Would you like me to help you shop?"

He looked at his list, and slumped is shoulders, nodding reluctantly, "If it's not too much of a bother, I would appreciate the help."

Thanks to the woman's help, he was able to accomplish his shopping in a much shorter time than he'd thought possible. Catching a ride back to the compound, he sat strapped into the aircraft, a thoughtful frown on his face. The woman had been under the impression that he was shopping at the request of a girlfriend, and since that was a much kinder way to think on it than the truth, he had allowed her to continue thinking so. From their conversations, however, some of the things she asked him, some of her comments, he had to wonder about himself. Girlfriend? Wouldn't that be nice… But impossible, given their situations. Not to mention, how could she ever want that? Look at what he was a part of, keeping her locked up. Freeing her would be suicide though.

He had considered it, he was ashamed to admit. After finding himself restless at Mithril, thinking a man that helped a girl escape from a similarly awful situation to be weak and useless, now here he was. It was laughable, really. What would Kalinin say? Snorting derisively at his thoughts, he settled into his seat, closing his eyes and catching a nap. Back at the compound, he took his purchases and returned to the room he shared with Kaname, letting himself in. At some point, they had taken the guards off the door, and he was grateful that he didn't have to explain himself to anyone as he brought in handfuls of bags.

Glancing at his watch, he nodded and put everything away, cleaning off all the new cooking tools before finding homes for them in the small kitchen. Once he was satisfied, he looked again at the time, and turned to leave the rooms, which was easy enough on his own when Kaname wasn't in the room. He had two sets of entrance codes, one of which left the door unlocked while he was inside. Walking down the halls, he stiffened at the turn of one corner, seeing Gauron there, escorting Kaname out of the room she had been in. She looked furious, about ready to break his hand, and considering where it lay, he felt the urge himself.

"Oh, you're back. We were wondering if you were going to show," Gauron grinned wolfishly at him, baring his teeth.

"Hmph. I'm five minutes early, Gauron. Now let her go so we can be on our way."

"Ah-ah, you seem so defensive. Does it make you angry when I touch her? Are you jealous? I could touch you instead if you'd like," he laughed, though Sousuke knew that follow-up sentence was just to get even more of a rise out of him, that Gauron was insinuating he was jealous that someone else was touching _her_.

Kaname shivered in Gauron's hold, disgusted by the man's attitude, and not happy at all about this little reunion. She had not missed the creep one bit, and did not enjoy the reminder of her teacher's death by seeing the woman's killer again. Sousuke shook his head slightly, glaring at the large man, "Hardly. I don't like having my time wasted. Any time spent near you is more than a waste, and I'd rather not deal with this any longer. Let her go, we're done here."

"Hmph. You're no fun at all anymore. Things were so much better in Afghanistan, don't you think? The chases, the battles, it was so exciting. I don't want our relationship to dull, my honey, I'd like to-."

"Just give me the fucking girl," Sousuke snapped, growling impatiently. Gauron laughed at his temper, shoving Kaname into his arms before walking away with a cheerful wave and farewell.

After several moments had passed, Kaname glanced up at her guard, wincing at the feeling of fingers digging into her arm, "What was that all about?"

Releasing her, he directed them back to their quarters, responding quietly, "He's an old enemy. A psychopath I had the misfortune of amusing. He'll do just about anything to get a rise out of me."

"Hm. I'm kinda surprised to see it worked." Sousuke glanced down at her as she let the silence hang between them rather than elaborate. She turned up and smiled, shrugging as they entered their rooms, "It's just, you're always so calm. Even when you're angry, you don't let it show. But a few days ago, and now again, your anger has been coming through."

He sighed and nodded weakly, "He knows what buttons to push. It's not hard for him, either. He's the only person I actively hate."

"Oh. Then last time was…?"

"I ran into him in the gym. It was, ah, unpleasant."

Kaname nodded and opened up her drawers, pulling out some clothes, "I'm sorry. I'm going to shower now."

"It's not a problem."

Turning on the water, Kaname stripped off her clothes, kicking them aside before stepping under the nearly scalding hot stream. "Ah," she gasped breathlessly, tilting her head back and letting the water run down her body. Smiling to herself, she pulled out the razor that had been given to her, running it lightly over her skin to remove unwanted hairs, still reveling in the feeling that smooth skin gave her. Never again would she take it for granted, nor anything else that freedom had once afforded her. She glanced over her body, pleased with the changes that had been taking place. Her muscles were returning, and the razor did a lot for her mood as well. If only she were able to run, then she would really be in shape. Outside, of course, so that she could tan again.

Oh, what she would give to see the sun just one more time. Twisting off the water, she toweled down, drying her body and her hair, thanking Sousuke once more for the gifts, though without actually saying as much. Exiting the bathroom in fresh clothing, she smiled at him and curled up on the bed.

"I got what you asked for. Or, at least, as much as I could. I hope it's satisfactory, I'd never done such shopping before."

Perking her head up, she turned to look at the kitchen, nodding her head in its direction. He affirmed, and she jumped up happily, racing over to the kitchen. Sousuke sat there surprised, not expecting quite so excited a reaction about the prospect of cooking. Shrugging, he stood up and followed, standing in the archway for the kitchen as she tore through the cabinets, inspecting everything she found. Once she finished, she spun on her heel and faced him, smiling broadly. "Thank you! Finally! Something _normal_!"

So that was it, then. At least now he understood her excitement. His mind only had a moment to take in the reasons, however, before she found a way to switch it off completely. Stepping up to him, she wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned into him, pressing a gentle kiss against his lips. Completely stunned, he had no idea how to react, or if he should. He stood perfectly still, enjoying the feeling of her soft body pressed against his, and feeling guilty for that enjoyment. This was bad. This was very bad.

Kaname pulled away, smiling sweetly up at him, "Thank you so much. It really means a lot to me."

"Uhh…"

"You're really so kind. I'll fix you up my specialty tonight, curry rice! It's delicious, a Kaname Chidori Masterpiece!"

"Uhh…"

"You just find something to do while I cook. It's cramped in here, you'll get in the way, okay?"

"Uhh…"

Laughing, she shoved him gently from the kitchen and then immediately set to work preparing their meal. Sousuke stumbled his way over to the chair, plopping down heavily upon it. Staring blankly at the wall, he frowned, feeling his throat tighten, and then he slowly lifted a hand to massage at his throat, rubbing it gently to try to remove the uncomfortable feeling it had. His hand moved its way up, fingers lightly touching still tingling lips. He really was in trouble. If he hadn't been in over his head before, he most certainly was now. Just how exactly was he supposed to try to maintain his composure anymore?

Hand traveling up further still, he rubbed his forehead and closed his eyes, "This is a problem," he murmured under his breath. He wasn't sure how long he sat like that, trying futilely to convince himself to stop caring about the girl, but it hadn't felt long at all before she shouted at him that the food was ready. Knocked out of his reverie, he dragged himself from his chair and made his way towards the kitchen, surprised he hadn't noticed the entire time she had been cooking. It certainly smelled delicious, and she handed him a plate before grabbing one for herself, then they sat down on the floor just outside the kitchen to take their meal. Trying it experimentally, Sousuke's eyes widened, "Delicious," he said, the only word he spared before greedily taking in the rest of his plate's contents.

Kaname giggled at the sight, shaking her head at his enthusiasm, though she had to admit, it most certainly was nice to eat real food again. Taking her meal at a more respectful pace, she watched him curiously the whole time, smiling at him when he gulped down the last of his food. Leaning forward, she pointed her fork in his direction, speaking in a teasing voice, "Did you even taste it?" He nodded, getting up and walking into the kitchen to find something to drink. Shaking her head, she asked him to grab her a glass of water while he was in there, tilting back to see him. "There's more too, if you want seconds."

He looked over at the remaining food, sorely tempted. Shaking his head, he brought them their drinks, sitting down across from her once more, "Thank you."

"And thank you. I missed cooking. Even though I lived alone, I would make big meals for myself most nights. It was nice to have the leftovers for lunch the next day too. I would bring everything left, and share with my classmates." Sighing, good mood disappearing, she felt her shoulders sag with the weight of her memories, "I wonder how they're doing, anyways. Seeing our teacher killed like that, I can't imagine any of them could go back to a normal life."

Taking a sip of his water, Sousuke looked away, then sighed. "I don't know. I don't have any information."

"I know. I'm just thinking, that's all. I don't expect you to have answers for me." Setting her plate down, she laid back on the ground and stared up at the ceiling, "That creepy guy from earlier, he had been there. He killed our teacher, because she tried to stop him from taking me off that plane. I don't know what happened after that. They were running some tests, but they got interrupted, I guess. Said we had to leave in a hurry. When we left, I saw some explosions, and Arm Slaves fighting."

"Hm. What kind of Arm Slaves?" he asked, genuinely interested. Part of it was his love of Arm Slaves, but part of it was…

"I'm not sure, I'd never seen them before. If I had to guess, I'd say M9s, but those aren't out yet."

"M9s, was it? Then, well, I can't be sure, but your friends are probably safe."

Sitting back up in a hurry, Kaname leaned forward, "You mean that? How can you know?"

He frowned and shook his head, "I can't be sure, I said. But, most likely. I told you before, that I used to work for the people that are directly opposed to this group?" She nodded. "They use M9s, and they are quite skilled. It's highly likely that they got your friends out of there safely. I'm sure they would have tried to rescue you as well, but it's likely they had to set priorities, and couldn't get to you in time."

"I see. Thank you. It, it helps a lot, hearing that. I know not to rest my hopes too high on that, but at least, I know that people tried."

Sousuke nodded his head to her, gathering up her dishes and bringing them to the kitchen to clean them off. She made her way first to the bathroom, cleaning up, and then to the bed, slipping under the sheets and settling in for the night. When he had finished the clean-up, packing up their leftovers, he came back out into the room. Rolling over, she smiled and reached out a hand, beckoning him over. He walked over to her, sitting down on the bed when she patted the mattress lightly. Kaname sat up, letting the blankets pool at her waist, and then she wrapped her arms around his shoulders again. "Chidori, please," he protested weakly, though he made no move to leave her hold.

"Hush," she whispered, cupping his face gently. The tingling sensation that coursed through his body short-circuited his brain, and all he could do was close his eyes when she kissed him again. That really was it, he was completely a slave to her whims now. She ran fingers through his hair, tickling at his scalp and sending shivers coursing through his body. Slowly, she pulled away, and she smiled up at him, fingers still running down his face, skimming across his neck. "Thank you for everything."

Nodding dumbly, he stood up when she started settling under the covers again. Leaving her for the moment, he retreated to the bathroom. Turning on the shower, he quickly shed his clothes and slipped under the water, closing his eyes. Guilt pounded at him, he felt as though he should have fought her. He hadn't even made so much as a token effort. Just a few pitiful words were all he spared, otherwise letting her do as she wished.

Kaname grinned at the sound of the shower running, snuggling deeper under the covers. This place was changing her, for sure, but one had to adapt to surroundings in order to survive. Sousuke was a nice man, and she felt a bit bad for taking advantage of him in such a way. He had already done so much for her already, and you'd think that would be enough, but she saw the opportunity for more, and she took it. Just a few kisses and she could tell he was wrapped tightly around her little finger. She would have to make sure to find the right balance of rewards. She couldn't give him too much, then he wouldn't yearn for it and try to get it however he could. But she couldn't deny him a lot either, or else he wouldn't find it worth his time.

Smiling grimly, she thought to herself, how hard it was to properly plan such extortion. She was lucky though, in some ways. At least she didn't feel completely disgusting, doing so. Her guard was definitely good looking, and it was nice that she was able to keep control in this situation, despite the general order of things. Had she a worse-looking guard, she might not even have considered using her body to get what she wanted. It helped that Sousuke was innocent, or at least so it seemed, and that he didn't ask or expect much. Anyone else, as kind as they had been up to this point, she might worry that they'd take a few kisses as open invitation to do as they pleased. With him, she knew she could keep control of the pace. Life should get better, she thought, drifting off to sleep as the sound of water running continued on.

Finally done with his shower, Sousuke only partly dried himself off, not taking as much care as he perhaps ought to have. He pulled on his clothes and turned off the light, walking out into the dark room and making his way over to the bed. Settling down next to it, he closed his eyes tightly, wondering just what to do. Not that there were a whole lot of options. Really, all that there was, it was just to continue on as normal. The guilt gnawing away at him called to be appeased somehow though, and he was at a loss.

He wasn't sure just what time it was when he heard the whimpers start, but his eyes shot open at the sound, and he sat up, turning curiously to look at the bed. Kaname's head tossed, and she gasped, her eyes opening and staring blankly at the ceiling. Her mouth was moving, and he strained to catch the sound of her voice, frowning when he couldn't. Leaning over, he realized she wasn't speaking, and then, she started to whisper, her voice steadily growing louder. It held no emotion, and the words she spoke shocked him. She listed off Arm Slave parts, complicated equations which her mumbling eventually said made some form of a reactor. Unnerved, Sousuke reached out and gripped her shoulder firmly, shaking her out of it.

Coming back to herself all at once, Kaname gasped, eyes darting around as she struggled to remember where she was. Sitting up, she slapped her cheeks, then looked over at Sousuke, laughing nervously. "I must look like some kind of crazy person, huh?"

"Are you all right?" he decided to ignore her question. It seemed rhetorical, anyways.

"I think so," wrapping her arms around herself, she sighed. "I don't know. That's weird. It's never happened to me without the drugs before. I don't like it."

Sousuke left her for a moment, walking into the kitchen to grab a glass of water, bringing it back and handing it over to her. "What was it?"

Taking the water gratefully, she gulped down half the contents before she felt up to responding. "They call it a 'Whispered episode.' To them," her voice turned dry, "it's their favorite thing ever. They just love it when that happens. They get all kinds of juicy information, or something. For me, it's miserable, and I'm tired of it!" she slammed her fist into the mattress. "I lose control of myself! I hear a voice in my head, and it takes over me! I don't know if it's the voice or the drugs that lock me out of myself, but I become a prisoner in my own body! I hear my voice speaking, saying all these things I shouldn't understand, only I do, and no matter how hard I try to shut myself up, I just keep talking and talking and talking!"

His fists tightened, and he felt his hatred for the scientists, and his employer in general, mounting ever higher. He didn't like that they were using drugs on her, and he knew what kind of lasting psychological and physiological effects could be had from such things. His attention was dragged back to the present by the sound of sobbing. Looking up, he saw Kaname's body shaking, her knees drawn up as she cried into her legs. "I'm just so tired of all of this. I wanna go home. I want to be normal again. I don't know what's happening to me."

At a loss, Sousuke took a seat beside her and drew her to him, wrapping his arms around her as she cried. She turned into his chest, twisting her hands in his shirt as she released her emotions. "I'm sorry," he spoke softly, unsure of what else to do or say. She shook her head against him, asking him to hush, and cried herself to sleep in his arms.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: **More apologies for how long this took for me to get out. I am, however, kind of happy, as something I hadn't originally planned on decided to work its way in when I did finally write this today. However, this surprising addition causes me to need to warn for **_SPOILERS._** Yes, evil spoilers. I'm sorry. I'm trying to change it enough that it won't completely give away what happened in the novels, however, there is some content in this that you don't become familiar with until books 10-12. (Semaru Nick of Time, Zutto Stand By Me 1&2)

**_Possible triggers ahead!_** Read with caution, please!

* * *

**Let Me Be Myself - Chapter Five**

The first thing she noticed when she woke up was that her body was stiff. The second thing was that her eyes burned. The third, upon opening those eyes, was that her face was buried in a man's lap. Sitting up abruptly before her mind could recall the night's events, she yelped when her head connected with something hard, and heard a groan from the man who'd had his arms over her. She rubbed the back of her head with a hiss and glared at Sousuke, "What the hell do you think you're doing!"

Rubbing his jaw, he stared at her incredulously, "You wouldn't let me go anywhere last night. Why is that _my_ fault?"

"I sure as hell doubt I asked to use your junk as a goddamn pillow!"

He blushed and glanced down, realizing that the slightly opened crotch of his pajama pants had exposed him somewhat. Hastily pulling at the pants to cover himself, he cleared his throat nervously, "That, it wasn't, I mean, I'm sorry, I never, uh-_!_"

Glaring at him from over the edge of the bed after pushing his shoulder so that he toppled onto the ground, Kaname shook her head, "Just shut up, and don't you dare ever let it happen again without my permission." Her qualifier seemed to break his brain, and she stepped over him, heading for the shower, feeling vindicated. It had not been exactly ideal, and once she had recalled the fact that he had held her while she cried, and had not been completely scared off after hearing her in one of her states, she was relieved. That she was able to use the morning's events to her advantage, rather than feeling like she owed him one for the night, she turned her face up into the stream with a satisfied smirk.

After hearing the bathroom door shut, Sousuke let all of his weight fall back, smacking his head on the ground. Squeezing his eyes shut, he ran his hand over his face and sighed. The water was running now, and he muttered softly to himself, "What am I supposed to do...?" Frowning, he tried to think about the situation objectively. He wasn't one to let his emotions run his life. However, it was getting to be damn near impossible to maintain the calm he had spent his life building up. There was so much that he could handle, so much he could be put through without a flinch, and yet one little girl had managed to break him down and completely own him. "It was never supposed to be like this," he muttered at the ceiling.

Even as he thought of how frustrating it was to be in the situation, his mind was racing with ways to make life easier for her. For her! There he was, laying on the ground, trying to convince his mind to figure out how to get himself out of the emotional tangle he found himself in, and instead he was trying to find out how to make things more bearable for his charge. "Damn her," the words held no vehemence, and even as he spoke them, he felt he was more damning his own self. He just couldn't find it in him to fault her for anything. Not even if she was manipulating him. He knew he should be angry about that, but instead he just felt sorry that things had come to that. In the beginning, the way she was, she never would have considered it. That things had gotten that far, well, if it helped her at all, he would allow himself to be manipulated.

Not that he had the strength to fight it even if he wanted to.

And part of him knew that he _should_ want to. Allowing her to go on like that, things could develop in such a way that she might become disgusted with herself. He didn't want her to have such regrets, but he knew that even with the best of intentions, if she were to start, he would not be able to stop her. It was a difficult admission, but he had to acknowledge it. Sighing, he closed his eyes, hearing the water shut off and the rustling of fabric as she dried off and got dressed. "How did this happen?"

Stepping out of the bathroom, Kaname raised her brow seeing Sousuke still on the ground where she had left him. "You all right there? You better not be getting sick or something, 'cause if I catch it, I'll kill ya."

"No, not sick," he murmured. He continued to stay as he was for several more moments before hoisting himself to his feet. "Come. Let's exercise."

Shrugging, Kaname found the elastic band she had usurped for the purpose of tying back her hair, and did exactly that. As she got ready to be drilled, she motioned at her hair, "Could you get me some proper hair ties the next time you're out?"

He grunted and tilted his head, "Why? The elastic works, doesn't it?"

Kaname rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Men," she muttered, "no, it doesn't. Rubber bands are bad for the hair, and my hair needs all the help it can get in this godforsaken place. I need real hair ties to keep from damaging my hair any more than it already has been."

"I see," he spoke softly, and then nodded. "All right. I leave when you do since you'll be in the labs for several hours today." He tried to ignore the wince at that statement, but it hurt him to see it. Dryly, he added, "Is there anything else?"

"_Well_, if you're offering," she grinned and he had a feeling the list would be long. They began their warm-ups at last, trading off blows as she continued their conversation. "Music would be nice. The silence is pretty unbearable and I think I'm going crazy, talking to myself. You're not much of a conversationalist you know," she finished off as dry as his own temperament had been, scowling at him as she blocked his feint and had to scramble to dodge the real strike.

Impressed with her mobility, he decided to step it up, and instead of backing off like he usually would after her dodge, he pushed her further back. "Hmph, I see. Music is it? That will be more difficult."

Growling as he bore down on her, she decided she'd had enough and ducked down, pretending to go for a strike to his stomach. Instead, when he brought his arms down for the guard, she seized his wrists and twisted, dropping to a knee and throwing him over her shoulder. "Don't you think it'd be worth it though?" she spoke teasingly, flirtatiously, and promptly had their positions reversed for her efforts.

Pinning her to the ground, he stared down at her with an expression as close to curiosity as she had ever seen on his face. "Worth it? How is that? I've never listened to much music in my life, I don't miss it, and the silence is comforting." He ignored the way his body had reacted to the voice she had used, and his own was laden with fake innocence.

Kaname could see right through his pretense for disinterest, though she believed the words. Freeing one of her hands in a wrist hold he had drilled relentlessly into her to learn to break, she grabbed for the nearby fabric of the collar of his shirt, fisting it and dragging it across his throat, pressing it against muscles that didn't like pressure to force him aside. He allowed it, turning, and grabbed the waistband of her own too-loose jeans and twisted, putting pressure against her gut and unwittingly dragging her on top of him in the process.

She leaned over him, panting as he loosened his grip, and grinned wickedly as she caught her breath. Still holding onto his shirt, she turned her hand so that the fabric bunched and held uncomfortably tightly against his windpipe, making breathing difficult though not impossible. "I'll make it worth your while," she answered as sensuously as her still recovering lungs would allow, and then leaned down to kiss him again, finding she rather enjoyed the sensation genuinely, and not just for the benefits doing it gave her. She pressed her hold on his shirt even tighter against him for a moment, just as she pressed her entire body to him, slipping her tongue teasingly between his lips, and then released him and pulled back entirely at once. Turning her back to him, she pulled her hair out of its crude ponytail and shook it out, "I need to dry my hair," she told him, and then disappeared back into the bathroom to use the hair dryer he had gotten for her.

Sousuke stayed exactly where she left him, having long since lost the ability to move. When she had pinned him that second time, the light he had caught in her eyes had excited him, and he couldn't find it in him to continue the fight the way it should have gone. Instead he took what she had to offer, even finding thrill in the way she partially choked him. He swallowed thickly and closed his eyes, still feeling the phantom sensation of her body flush against his, holding his collar to his throat so tightly he couldn't breathe, kissing him so thoroughly, and, well, even though she had gotten up a few minutes ago, he couldn't push that sweet and oh-so-recent memory from his mind.

He knew he had to though. From the way his pants felt, he would be in for quite the embarrassment if she walked out just then, or if someone came to pick her up at that moment. Groaning, he sat up, shaking his head. She was not going to make things easy on him, not in the slightest. And while part of him felt dread, another part of him anxiously anticipated it, his nerves humming in excitement at the thought of future prospects. "Stop that," he muttered angrily at his entire self, "I'm hardly doing her any favors by giving in like this."

She had a point about the silence, he realized with wry amusement. Even he was talking to himself quite a bit, certainly more than he ever had before. Of course, he'd never had any need to reprimand himself before. Kaname stepped out of the bathroom, her hair dry and flowing luxuriously down her back and over her shoulder. His fingers itched to run through it, to find out if it were as silken in touch as it was in look. Instead, he rose quickly to his feet and found a change of clothes, slipping in to take his shower and take care of _things_ he'd never found so pressing before.

And "pressing" did seem to be the word, he thought with relief as he removed the clothes from his lower half.

He finished his clean-up just in time, stepping out of the bathroom in plain fatigues just as there was a knock on the door. He stepped over and gave the reply knocks and the door opened. They didn't need words. It was obvious what was supposed to happen. He shoved what little he needed into his pockets and then escorted the team along with Kaname to the labs where the experiments were to be held for that day. He hated those days the most, and knew she did as well. All she spared him was a pleading look before she was brought inside, the area restricted to him past those doors. Schooling his features, he turned on his heel and went to find a transport to nearby Japan.

He hadn't learned his language until late in his life, but he found it somehow soothing to go there for any of his city needs. He could go to the far closer cities Russia had to offer, as that was where the facility was located, but they made him uncomfortable. Truly, any of the nearer cities than those of Japan either had bad memories tied to them, or he didn't know the languages.

It wasn't difficult to find a transport to Tokyo, and he found himself there only a couple of hours out. Glancing at his watch, he figured he had roughly three hours in the city before he needed to be right back where he was just then to catch the return transport in time to return and escort Kaname back from her experiments. No time to waste, then. He had every intention of getting in a large amount of shopping for her. Setting off, he found himself in several clothing stores, trying to find clothes that would fit her better. Sure, new clothes would be noticed, but the ones she had were difficult to deal with in how poorly they fit.

Guessing at her size for pants and shirts was the easy part. Having to detail her measurements to a clerk at a lady's underclothes shop, on the other hand, was acutely embarrassing. He wasn't sure when the pink tint to his cheeks would finally go away, feeling the heat in his face even as he stepped into a music store. It was bizarre for him to be so embarrassed over such a small event, as well. He had learned the measurements of plenty of people, women even, to clothe them for various reasons.

Then again, never before had he had such vivid images of what made up those measurements when going over them, either.

Shaking his head fiercely, he searched for the imported music, having learned that even though she was Japanese, Kaname's music tastes lay in older American artists. As he flipped through the CDs, shoving them into a basket slung over his arm if the name sparked his memory, he was oblivious to the company he had gained. Aware only that there was a body there beside him, it took him several moments before he realized the girl was speaking to him, and then he had to ask her to repeat herself.

The girl had a sad smile on her face, the expression so solid and weary that he was sure something had happened recently enough to fix depression to her countenance. Her hair tumbled over her back in loose waves, and he noted the line of contacts in her eyes. Red wasn't exactly her color, but she had a red ribbon tied as a headband, the ends flowing at the back of her neck to mix with her hair. She seemed somehow out of place in appearance, as though she had changed it recently, and she gestured at his basket, "The music. I'm sorry, it's just, the choices you've made, they remind me of someone."

The hurt in her voice, the way she nearly choked on her words, he was sure this "someone" was at least a major part of her melancholy. Grunting, he wasn't sure exactly how to respond, and he shrugged, "It's not for me. I was asked to pick some music up for, ah, my roommate. We had to give up a lot to afford our current place," he hoped the lie sounded good, as he made it up on the spot, "and we're finally recovering financially. These are, hm, something of a gift, as well, since she's been working so hard."

"That's really nice of you. I bet she would have gotten along great with my friend," the girl sighed wistfully. Looking up at him, she seemed to contemplate something for a moment, "Maybe I could meet her one day?"

Internally he winced, and he forced himself to nod, "Ah, yes. She works constantly, but she might have free time at some point."

The girl giggled, though it was strained. Bowing to him, she smiled amiably enough up at him, "Well, if she does, look me up." She gestured to her school uniform, "I go to Jindai High School. My name's Kyouko Tokiwa."

Jindai High School, was it? The name seemed familiar to him. He absently nodded to her, awkwardly returning the bow, having never learned the proper depths and types of bows for Japanese society. "Affirmative. I'm Sousuke Sagara," it seemed only polite to introduce himself as well, although as he spoke his name, he mentally berated himself for giving his _real_ name.

Hearing someone call out her name, she turned and waved to the boy who was looking for her, brightening just a little. She turned back to Sousuke, "Well, Sagara, it was nice to meet you. I hope to see you around again." She bowed once more and then took a few steps before turning and running off to join her friend, the boy eyeing him warily and trading words with the girl, then taking on a new light and looking at Sousuke with something almost like gratitude before they left the store.

Shaking his head, he glanced at his watch and sighed. Taking his selections of albums, he went to a far wall and picked out a small stereo as well as a portable CD player and headphones, then went to purchase the contents of the basket. Once he had paid for everything, it was time for him to return to the transport site. As he sat buckled in, his thoughts wandered, mostly centering on the situation he found himself in, completely in Kaname's control. The needling in the back of his mind, that something important had been said to him, but unrecognized, finally sprang to the front of his mind with the answer.

Jindai High School.

That was the school Kaname had gone to. And that girl, Kyouko, he barely resisted the urge to bash his head against the back of his chair. It seemed so obvious now, and he felt at once exceptionally guilty for having talked to one of Kaname's old friends, and like a fool for it. If only he'd realized sooner. Saying that they might meet one day, even though he knew he was lying when he said it, the lie seemed even worse now that he realized who the girl was.

Arriving at the compound, he checked the time and made his way to their room. He had enough time to put things away, grateful that there were never any inspections or the likes. It wasn't as if he'd been forbidden from bringing such things in, but he really didn't want to have to go through the effort of having to lie in explanations. Once satisfied everything was put away and the area cleaned up from the trash from taking things out of their packaging, he set out to retrieve his charge.

* * *

Glancing over her shoulder as she was led into the lab, Kaname spared one last pleading look to Sousuke, unable to help herself, and then the door shut and cut them off from each other. She hated these days the most, the ones where she was forced for hours to help these people, when that was the last thing she wanted to do. She changed into her paper gown, had her arm poked and drugs injected into her again, and as she looked at her arm, she thought with grim humor that she looked like some kind of a cocaine addict and that she could only wish that were the reason. Then she was shoved into the device they always locked her up in, the visor yanked harshly over her eyes, and the experiments started up right away.

She found herself in an empty field. Grass for acres in either direction with no change in sight. No wind, no scents, not even from the grass and the dirt below it, no company besides a mirror image of herself. She wore a black dress. Her seeming clone wore a white one.

_"Aren't you getting tired of fighting yet?"_

Blinking her eyes at the girl who spoke to her in her voice, though completely different in tone, Kaname realized at once that this was where the information was coming from. "No. I'll never stop fighting. Why don't you just leave me alone if it's getting so bothersome for you?"

That smile was chilling, especially seeing it on her own face. She shivered, and the other her responded, _"Oh, it's no real bother. A bit annoying, perhaps, but it's just a delay of the inevitable. But really, you should stop fighting. I kind of like you, I mean, we have been together for _so _long. I'd hate to have to destroy you."_

"Destroy me?" she scoffed, though she barely felt much bravery. This was entirely too strange for her to feel confidence. "This is _my_ body, my _mind_! Get out of it! I'll destroy _you_ if you don't! Just leave me alone! I never asked for any of this, I just want to be free again!"

_"I'm sure you wish it were so easy,"_ the girl turned and everything changed. Even the girl. She no longer held Kaname's appearance, though she was eerily similar. Her long hair was a dark brunette and ragged from lack of care, her skin pale and bruised, her eyes a blue that would have been vibrant if not for the fact that she had long ago lost her will to live. They were in the kind of interrogation room you saw on police dramas, standing behind the glass as another Kaname sat inside. It was her, yes, the her that was trapped by the scientists. The woman who had been on her project since North Korea stood there, asking questions, and she rattled off answers she had no right knowing. _"But this is who you are, don't you see? How natural it all comes to you. Don't you think you should share this knowledge with the world? You have the power to _change it!_"_

Shuddering, Kaname looked at the girl speaking to her. "I don't want to even know this in the first place! And I definitely don't want to tell a bunch of freaks who hold me captive _anything_! I just want to go home!"

The other girl nodded sympathetically, _"I understand. I, too, was captured once, until it killed me. But these people are useful for something. You could give them _specific_ information. If you let me show you. Then we could change the world, turn it into something beautiful. Wouldn't that be nice? A world where your teacher still lives. A world where your mother still lives."_

"What do _you_ get out of it? You aren't telling me this for _my_ benefit!"

Smiling, though the expression never reached her eyes, the girl held out her hand. Wary, Kaname took it, and everything changed once more. If Kaname had control of her body, she would have tossed up her meager breakfast. Tubes went this way and that, utilitarian desks and tables were all over the room with blueprints and pages full of complicated equations, and jars containing preserved brains were everywhere surrounding her. A capsule like the one Kaname's body truly was in stood in the center of everything, hooked up by those tubes to the jars and whatever might have been in the rooms beyond where the tubes yet led. Just outside of it was the girl, truly a little girl now, who she had been talking to, and a man urging her in.

_"Sophia, just go in. It'll hurt less."_

_"But Daddy, I don't want to, it's scary."_

_"Be a brave girl and get in there,"_ for all that the man acted loving towards his daughter, it was obvious he was anything but. The marks on her body showed long term abuse, and her left arm didn't work quite right from an injury that healed poorly. She was shot up with drugs like those that were being used on Kaname. And though the image didn't go so far, turning back to the empty field instead, Kaname got the sense that when the experiments were over, the torture would only just begin.

Looking at the girl, Sophia, tears spilled down Kaname's cheeks in sympathy for her. The violent abuse was bad enough, but the fact that her own father used her like, like _that_, and since she was only five? Wiping her eyes with the back of her arm, Kaname fought to compose herself, "All right. But, we can't go back that far, can we? Can we really fix all of that?"

Shrugging, Sophia, again taking the mirror image of Kaname, tilted her head, _"There's no limit to what we can do. You just have to let me."_

It was tempting. It was truly tempting. "I want to be _me_, though. I don't want you taking over."

Sophia made a face, grimacing somewhat, and then shrugged again. She would get her chance, she figured. _"Fine. But that means we'll have to meet like this, and often. Not just when you're being drugged and used by them. Even when you're asleep. Even when you're taking a shower. I'll come to you, and we'll talk about all of this. After all, _I_ am the source of all the knowledge these people want, anyways."_

"Why do you talk to _me_? Why me?" her voice came dangerously close to being called a "whine" but she didn't care. She had earned the right to whine about her situation, she figured.

_"You were born when I was killed. And so, we're linked, you _are_ me, and I am you. You are not the only one I talk to. You're just my favorite."_

The dreamscape disappeared and Kaname opened her eyes, feeling beaten all over though she knew they never laid a hand on her. Her throat hurt from all the talking she did while she was under, and she had no idea just what information she had imparted on the scientists that day. Whatever it was, though, had greatly pleased them. They allowed her to change back into her clothes and even gave her a glass of water before shoving her out the door and into her guard's waiting arms. Well, more that she fell against his rock-hard chest and he grunted before grabbing her elbow to steer her back to their room.

Lost in thought as she was, mulling over everything that Sophia had offered her, she didn't notice that they were not headed for their room until she came the realization that her legs were _very_ tired. "Where are we going?"

"You'll see," he murmured softly, then lifted a hand to tap a finger against his lips in a signal for silence. She blinked in confusion, then nodded dumbly, allowing herself to be led through the facility. Part of her wondered at the blind faith she had in the man, but then again, if he had wanted to do anything to her, they had a perfectly good private room. Instead, she just returned to her thoughts, wondering if she should take Sophia up on the offer to change the world. It did sound nice.

When wind hit her face as well as the smell of wet dirt, ozone, and foliage, she stopped dead in her tracks, not even being dragged along by the hand on her arm. "What, what is this?"

"It's the outdoors. We don't have long, so come on. It rained earlier today, so you might want to take off your shoes. Your feet will get muddy, but you don't have another pair."

Blinking in shock, she stared at him in wonder. Slowly, a smile crossed her face, and then she was grinning so broadly she thought she might split her face open. Certainly, it had been too long since she had an expression of such joy. Bending over, she removed her shoes like he suggested, and he took them from her before she launched herself out the door and ran in the dirt and mud. Rocks stabbed into the bottoms of her feet, but she didn't care. Daring to laugh, she spun in circles, arms outstretched, face up-turned to the sky, and she breathed in deep the fresh air. Sousuke trailed along behind her, faintly smiling, taking joy in her joy. He knew he shouldn't have done it, especially not when he was already feeling too entranced by her, but the idea had been forming. The guilt he felt that day, and the way she looked when she came out of the lab, well, even though it went against his better judgment, he gave in to his emotions and gave her this taste of freedom.

She paused in her revelry and turned to look at him, "Is this really okay? Am I being too loud? Will anyone see? I mean, I don't-."

Waving his hand dismissively, Sousuke set both of their shoes down on a rock, though she wasn't sure when he had removed his own boots. "Don't worry. Here, we'll be all right, so long as we're not _too_ loud." He rolled up his pant legs and stepped over to her, shoving his hands in his pockets. "I'm sorry it had to be at night. I know you miss the sunlight."

Kaname smiled up at him, "I'm just happy to be outside. I hardly care what time of day it is. I know I talk about the sun all the time, but," turning her face up to the full moon and breathing in deep, she sighed long and longingly, "I've missed the moon just as much. And it's a beautiful night. I don't mind that it rained," giggling, she twirled around some more, enjoying the feeling of mud between her toes and ignoring the thought that there was a time she would have hated it. "It makes the smells stronger. I missed this. I missed this so much."

Startled, Sousuke stepped over to her as she started to cry, and she threw herself against him and sobbed into his chest. "You're so good to me," she whimpered. "You're so good to me. Whatever happened in your life that put you here, when you're so young, I'm sorry, but I'm glad it led you to me. If you weren't here, I, I," she lost the words she was grasping for and succumbed to the tears.

Swallowing against his own strong emotions at her admissions, Sousuke wrapped his arms around her shoulders and stroked her hair. It seemed like the thing to do, and at the moment, he didn't feel like arguing with himself over it. "I'm, ah, I'm sorry that I have to help keep you here. I know I couldn't get you out, though, I've checked all the defenses."

She pulled back and gave him a shaky smile, wiping her eyes, "Thank you. I know, it's impossible. So thank you for staying here and protecting me from the others. It can't be easy for you, either," even as she spoke, her mind was churning. He was her age, yet he was an experienced soldier. Surely, his life had been hell. Could she fix his life, too? Would he want her to? He didn't seem to complain about much, but it also seemed like he didn't know any different.

"There's something else," he started hesitantly, wondering if he should tell her.

"Hm? What is it?" she cocked her head curiously as he didn't continue you. Scowling at him, she shoved his shoulder gently, "You can't just start like that then not tell me. What is it?"

Clearing his throat, he looked around self-consciously. He sighed and his shoulders sagged, and he returned his attention to her. "I ran into one of your classmates." Kaname's eyes widened, her mouth dropping open in shock, but that seemed to be the extent of her reaction. It appeared that she couldn't even form a response. "I think she knew you, too, from the small conversation we had. It wasn't, I mean, I didn't know until after. I didn't give anything away about you, and I'm sure she didn't know. But," shaking his head to clear it, he continued on more surely, "her name is Kyouko Tokiwa. Was she a friend of yours?"

"Kyouko?" she whispered incredulously. "It was, it was Kyouko! You saw Kyouko! How is she? Is she all right? If she made it out, then everyone else, I hope, but, the teacher so I don't, ah, how was she did she look good? Healthy? Happy?"

Taken aback by the sudden onslaught of questions, he wondered for a moment if he was going to have to gag her, then she seemed to catch her own voice rising and kept it to a reasonable volume. "Uh, well, she didn't seem exactly happy. I think," he frowned, and wondered about his next words. But, well, she had chided him once for not finishing a thought he partially voiced, "I think she misses you. She seemed healthy enough, but sad, lonely."

Kaname buried her face into his chest and took in several deep breaths to relax her nerves. Her best friend had survived. Presumably, then, so too did everyone else. She hoped there hadn't been any more incidents of someone getting shot. "Thank you," she whispered. "Thank you so much. You have no idea how much that means to me." Pulling back, she smiled up at him, the expression tinged with sadness. "Please. I know I asked you before, and you were right to hold it back then. But I really want to know. I need to know. What is your name?"

Sucking in a breath, he wondered if he should tell her. Seeing the emotion in her eyes, knowing his own, he finally nodded tightly, "Sousuke Sagara."

"Sousuke," she said, her voice matter-of-fact. "Thank you, Sousuke. For everything."

Looking away, embarrassed, blushing enough that she was able to see even in their dim lighting, he coughed nervously. "Ah, yes. Well, uh, you're welcome. We should be getting back now, though."

Giggling softly, Kaname walked over to the rock to retrieve her shoes, then back to the door they had walked out. She wiped off her feet and pulled her shoes on, as Sousuke followed her example. He got them back to the room unnoticed, relaxing from a tension he didn't even know he had since he had snuck her outside. He had a feeling he would hear about it later, he doubted he managed to get them outside like that completely under the radar, but no one seemed to have any immediate concerns about it. That was good, at least. The idea of what may come, however, worried him greatly as the uncertainty loomed over him.

Kaname stared at the bathroom door, in part desiring her usual post-laboratory shower, and yet not wanting to wash off the lingering feeling of the outdoors. Eventually the disgust of what she had been through, not to mention the memories shared to her by Sophia, won out, and she opened up a drawer to pull out clothes for sleeping in. What she saw gave her pause, and she stared at the contents of the drawer before turning to look at Sousuke. He was pointedly ignoring her, clearly not wanting her to make a fuss about it, though there was that blush again. Smiling, she stepped over to him and kissed him on the cheek before taking a set of pajamas he had found for her into the bathroom.

Her shower didn't take long, and he went in after her to wash off the city grime and mud. While he cleaned up, she poked around their room. Opening up more drawers, she found whole outfits in there, and not of horrible style, either. She tried several sets of clothing on before she was satisfied that he had done a good job of guessing her size, and was even surprised to find that the bras fit. Grinning at the realization, she changed back into her pajamas the moment she heard the water turn off, and felt a wicked idea forming in the back of her mind.

She heated up the leftovers of their dinner from the previous night, and handed Sousuke his plate when he came out of the bathroom. He thanked her and proceeded to shovel the food down his throat gratefully. Laughing at the way he took such joy in eating her cooking, she shook her head and took her meal at a more graceful pace. He washed his plate and disappeared into the bathroom again, from the sound of the running sink it was to brush his teeth for the night, and she finished off her own meal and clean-up in that time. She stepped in after him to do her own washing up for bed, though sleep wasn't what she had in mind.

When she walked out of the bathroom, she went not to her bed, but to the lump on the ground that was Sousuke. He looked at her curiously, about to open his mouth to ask a question, when she leaned down and kissed him. Oh, everything he had done for her that day certainly deserved a reward. And Sophia's memories had put it in her mind that she really ought to take control of her own body before someone else tried. She wasn't ready for sex, not yet, though she had the feeling it wouldn't take much to push her far enough to want to make sure she was the one who made that decision too.

She was, however, ready for a different kind. Smiling impishly at him, she trailed kisses down his throat, removed his shirt and trailed down his chest until she came to the waistband of his sweatpants. He put a hand on her shoulder and gasped out something that sounded like a request for her to stop. There was no power in the grip on her, however, and while the word he uttered was one thing, the emotion behind it said the other. It was good of him to think of her, but then, that was exactly why she was rewarding him like that. He lost all hope of forming an argument when his pants came off, and instead he just tossed his head back and let her do what she was so intent on doing.

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**Review Responses  
**_Anyone who says they're out of character:_ PLEASE understand that I am writing them in a completely different situation than you normally find them in. I am blending their behaviors as I know them from ALL of the novels (yes, all, even those pesky side-stories that haven't been translated into English!) as well as developing them in an entirely different setting. I take little things I glean from even throw-away sentences in those novels and look at them and say "With that mentioned, I think if something like this in their life was to happen, they might go like this" and so on. It's difficult, I know, but please realize where I'm coming from with their characterization. You've never seen them in this position. _I've_ never seen them in this position - that's why I'm writing it. It's all character development. Do you honestly believe they'd be exactly the same as always after going through something like this? Do you think YOU would be, truthfully?

_All of the positive reviews:_ Thank you, so much! Every one of you! I am amazed at the amount of love this fic has been given. I honestly did not think it would be so well received. It's such a different setting for these characters, and trying to keep them as themselves as well as growing as is appropriate for their surroundings is a challenge, and I'm very happy that so many people are so interested! Truly, thank you, all of you. While I do write first-and-foremost for myself and my own interests, knowing that so many people get enjoyment out of my writing makes me so happy! I hope I don't disappoint anyone.

_Sperance: _Yes, yes, I most certainly did get the last novels! Had them in my hands as soon as importing allowed! I made sure to pre-order them through Kinokuniya. XD They are such LOVE, aren't they! ^^ Thank you so much for all the encouragement!

_Catags:_ Thank you! ^^ I'm glad this Sousuke grew on you. I'm not surprised he was hard to agree with at first, he was kind of difficult to write like that, though I was pulling on little hints Gauron dropped about what Sousuke was like, in the End of Day by Day novels. Still, though, difficult to take that side of him and run with it. Here's hoping this Sousuke won't disappoint. The poor boy is really in for it now. XD

_SakuraJade: _Hahah, yes, thank you for seeing all of that! It all has to do with the position they find themselves in now. And thank you for understanding about the writer's block. ^^; Here's hoping I can finish up this story before it finds me again *shifty eyes* ...I HATE leaving things undone for so long. I expected to have this fic finished long ago!

_Joy-girl: _Honestly, I usually don't like such AUs myself, either. I'm surprised I settled on writing this. But I'm happy I'm did, and I'm glad you're enjoying the read as well! I'm going to work on exploring what it means to be a Whispered in depth for a bit, hopefully, starting with this chapter here. Here's hoping all the info I have on it lets me do it with some reasonable amount of quality!

_Razeilla:_ Thank you, for all of the kind words! Scene length is something I am struggling with trying to perfect, and I am so happy to hear that it is working out so well! I'm thrilled that you noticed the "You're weird" bit ^^ I certainly did make sure to keep such dialogue in there to show that it is, without a doubt, Sousuke and Kaname, no matter where they are and what kind of development they'll have in this new place. Here's one of those drastic changes that is needed! It's not so "drastic," however, as what is coming up. You're definitely right that it needs to be happening within this and the next chapter, and it most certainly will! Hope you keep on enjoying so much!

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	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: **_Warnings for triggers, particularly in relation to traumatic events as violation/rape. Please read with caution._

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**Let Me Be Myself - Chapter Six**

Headphones on, foot and pen tapping to the beat, Kaname stared down at the work before her. They had started giving her 'homework,' which she had insisted couldn't be called that if she wasn't doing it at _home_. The response to that had been a laugh and a condescending "You're adorable" before she was sent back to her guard and their room. Slinging an arm over the back of her chair, she looked over at Sousuke, staring unabashedly. He had shed his shirt and set himself to using the molding around the archway to the kitchen as a grip for pull-ups. He'd been doing them as long as she'd been sat in front of her papers, which must have been at least an hour. Sweat gleamed on his chest and along his back, and his skin was flushed pink from the pumping blood and exertion.

It had been something like a month since she had been taken outside that night, and it seemed like he was trying to keep his distance from her. In a way, it was sweet. She noticed him looking at her when he thought she wasn't paying attention, and he stiffened whenever she watched him, like now. He remained respectful, listening to her requests and doing what he could to meet them, but he kept a distance between them when they spoke. The only times that distance was closed was when he was escorting her through the building or when he trained her.

That reminded her, they hadn't had a session yet today. Grinning, she stretched her arms over her head and put her music aside. She took a sip of water, setting the glass back on the desk with a refreshed sigh. "I need a break from this," she stood up, walking over to him. He glanced at her with confusion and wariness, dropping to the ground with a grunt when she poked his side. "Let's spar. It's been awhile." And it had. All he did anymore was drill her in techniques. It had been some time since he'd been willing to do a freeform match with her. Before he could argue, she pouted up at him, "I don't wanna get rusty."

"I see," he murmured, walking past her to retrieve a towel he'd pulled out earlier. Patting away the sweat, he sighed and closed his eyes. Considering his options, he realized he didn't have much in the way of a choice. She was right, of course, and there was only so much avoidance he could succeed in, particularly given their living arrangements. It wasn't that he was complaining. Oh, no, most certainly not. That night had been full of the most amazing sensations he'd ever experienced in his life. But it was obvious, even to him, that she wasn't any more accustomed to the act than he was, though she had certainly been determined, and he was helpless in the face of her will. The reason he was trying to keep space between them had much to do with the fact that she had been as inexperienced as he. Although it had been her idea, he couldn't help but feel as though he had somehow forced it, that he had made her feel indebted to him.

"Well?" she tapped her foot impatiently, arms crossed over her chest. He turned to face her and nodded, folding up his towel and setting it aside. Grinning, she stepped into the open space and lifted her hands into a defensive stance. Without a word, he took up his own spot opposite of her, barely settling into place before springing into action. Yelping with surprise, she barely managed to dodge the grab, ducking under the swing of his arm and squeaking when the other snaked around her waist and turned her upside down. She slung her legs over his shoulders and pulled together in a scissor, forcing his head to turn and his body with it.

She was dropped to the ground and she landed with a thud, turning her head and slapping her forearms on the ground to avoid smashing her face in. "You...," she seethed, rolling away from him and hopping to her feet. Huffing, face already red and sweat pouring down her from just the short time they'd been fighting, she could feel her hair sticking uncomfortably to her skin but couldn't affored the wasted motion of shoving it aside. For his part, he looked no different than when he had hopped down from his earlier workout, and that infuriated her. She wasn't _that_ out of shape, not anymore!

Gritting her teeth and growling, she closed the distance between them and fell to the ground as though she slipped, a loud slap echoing and followed by another when she took his feet out from under him and he landed beside her, face-first. She rolled, her legs still wrapped around his from the scissor move she had come to favor, and bent him backwards in half. He strained as his muscles pulled in ways they weren't meant to. Forcing the issue, he leaned back and groped behind him, successfully finding her ankle and tightening his thumb around the Achilles' heel and digging forefingers into the dip in the front between bones, causing her foot to spasm and lose the lock around his legs.

He took advantage swiftly, spinning back and dropping his heels onto her biceps, pinning her arms to the ground where she'd foolishly left them. Never loosening his grip on her foot, he knelt above her and grabbed hold of the other, tucking her feet in under his arms and pulling back, standing and bending her more harshly than she'd had him. "Aw, c'mon! You're gross and sweaty!" she whined, complaining about the placement of her feet in a voice strained from the way she was being pulled.

Brow raised curiously, he turned his head and looked down at her, grunting softly, "You can't choose the cleanliness of your opponent, and besides," he gave her a short tug and she slapped the ground, glaring up at him from the corners of her eyes, "this was your idea."

"I didn't think you were gonna use your disgusting arm pits against me!"

He shook his head at her, a frown tugging on his lips, "A large variety of the moves I have shown to you involve that part of the anatomy. Why are you surprised?"

Snorting derisively, she folded her hands under her chin and gazed straight ahead, avoiding looking at him all-together, "I thought you were more of a gentleman than that."

"And you think anyone that you fight is going to be one?"

"Shut up!" she snarled, not appreciating him throwing logic in her face. "Are you going to let me go!"

He twisted to look down at her, shaking his head, "You haven't even tried to reverse the hold."

"How in the hell am I supposed to do that! It _hurts_, okay!"

Sighing, he stared up at the ceiling, not loosening his grip, "This was your idea."

"I said shut up!"

"How can I tell you what to do if I'm not allowed to speak?"

Growling, she muttered unkind things under her breath. Not for the first time, she wished they fought closer to the furniture, thinking how satisfying it would be to club him over the head with a lamp right about then. "Fine! What do I do!"

"Try to figure it out first."

"Hey! But you said-!"

"I asked a hypothetical question. I am not going to give you all the answers. You're a clever girl, aren't you? Try to figure it out."

She let out a string of swears, insulting him and his supposed ancestry before finally quieting and pondering her position. Wiggling experimentally, she winced as his grip tightened and he tugged on her, elicting pain spikes through her spine. Finally deciding to commit to a move, consequences be damned, she thrust all of her weight to the side. Succeeding in throwing off his weight, he fell heavily to the ground, releasing one of her legs so he could break his fall. He immediately curled into a ball with a weak cough, releasing her other leg after the knee connected painfully with his groin.

Rolling away from him, Kaname leapt to her feet once again, glaring defiantly down at him and standing in the 'ready' position. When he didn't move, she frowned and slowly lowered her hands. Edging carefully around him, she cocked her head to the side, "Are you all right?"

"Fine," he uttered pathetically, slowly uncurling himself. Hunched over, he rose to his knees, one hand bracing himself and the other resting at his lower abdomen. She sat down beside him, wrapping her arms around her legs. Realization dawned on her and she covered her mouth, stifling laughter. He slowly lifted his hand off the ground to join the other, covering it over his abdomen and leaning forward until his forehead touched carpet. His breath came out loud and long, taking deep, slow breaths as his stomach settled and the pain gradually ebbed.

Giggling, Kaname sat cross-legged, leaning back and watching him with amusement. "Aww, poor baby. Did it hurt much?"

He didn't respond. He just kept breathing. His muscles tightened however, and she didn't miss it. Finally he drew back up, glaring furiously at her. For whatever reason, she just couldn't find it in her to be afraid. No, the whole situation was absolutely hilarious and she doubled over in laughter, clutching her own gut. He shook his head, carefully rising to his feet and walking slowly to the drawers, retrieving a set of clothes and disappearing into the bathroom, the sound of laughter following him.

Turning on the water, he paid no mind to the temperature and stripped his clothes from his body, taking special care as he lowered his pants. Letting the water pound away at his back, he gazed up where the wall met the ceiling blankly, frown seemingly permanently etched onto his features. How he managed not to throttle her for that - the act, the comments, the laughter - he wasn't sure. No, not throttle, that he could understand not doing. It wasn't his style. Gut, that was more appropriate. His knife was certainly more than sharp enough. Gritting his teeth, he shook his head, turning his gaze down and slowly lowering his lids with a sigh. He couldn't even entertain the thought for long. He rested his head against the cool tile, running a hand through hair before scratching at the back of his head.

He turned to the stream of water, letting it hit his face before shaking his head and setting himself to cleaning off. As he rinsed the soap from his body, the sliding door to the shower was pulled aside and a head poked in. "Do you want me to kiss it and make it feel better?"

"Go away," he growled, turning his back to her.

Pouting, she closed the door and moved to the other side, "Aw, c'mon. I'm trying to apologize here!"

"If you want to make it up to me, leave me alone."

She made an indignant sound and pulled back. Thinking that was the end of it, he stayed under the water for several moments longer before turning around to shut off the stream. His eyes widened and he took a step back, his hand almost having closed around a bare breast. "You-!"

"Well?"

Shaking his head, he slid open the door and stumbled out of the shower hurriedly, snatching up a towel and rushing to dry himself. She grumbled and opened up the door all the way, standing there as the shower sprayed at her, "I'm trying to do something nice for you here!"

"You don't understand," he growled, refusing to look at her.

"Apparently not," muttering, she glowered at his back. "I would think all guys would want special attention paid to _those_ parts, especially by a cute girl." Pouting, she leaned against the wall and crossed her arms under her chest, "Or aren't I cute?"

Twitching, he pulled clothes on with a sigh. "No guy wants _those_ parts to even be thought of after going through that," he scowled, face red. Staring at the doorknob, he shook his head, "You... are certainly... cute, as you put it." 'Cute' wasn't the word he'd use to describe her. It didn't even scratch the surface. 'Cute' was something you'd use for a wide-eyed, almost child-looking girl, someone who was the embodiement of youth. Kaname was the furthest thing from childish in appearance. No child had _those_ curves, no child could speak in _that_ voice, no child would do _those_ things...

Shaking his head fiercely, he left the bathroom in haste to put distance between them. He sat down on the chair and dropped his head to his hands with a groan. "I never should have agreed to that," he muttered to himself. The sparring match was a mistake. He banged his head on the desk and groaned again, a hand dropping to rub at his lower abdomen once more, the pain still there though not as sharp as when it first happened.

In the shower, Kaname sighed and closed the door with a shrug. Turning her face up to the water, she opened her mouth slightly as water ran down every inch of her body. 'As you put it,' what did _that_ mean? Did he find her attractive or not? It was going to bother her until she got a straight answer out of him.

_"Are you really that naive?"_

"You," Kaname whispered into the air, though it was unnecessary. Her blank view of the tile before her shifted and shimmered until her mirror self appeared before her. "What do you want?"

_"Please. It's not like this is anything new."_

Since their first meeting, Sophia had come to her every few days. What had Kaname annoyed was that it was just yesterday they last spoke. What it meant for her to increase their time together, Kaname wasn't sure she wanted to know. Turning her speech inwardly, the last thing Kaname wanted was for Sousuke to bust in thinking she was having another breakdown when she was just having a conversation with an alter ego.

Because that wasn't crazy enough by itself.

_"This idyllic life will come to an end soon."_

"You call this idyllic?"

_"Well, with what it could be..."_

A wave of nausea hit her hard and she doubled over, covering her mouth as her breakfast threatened to show itself after the images that went through her mind. The harsh reality of Sophia's life never ceased to bring her to her knees, disgust and horror at the treatment given to her from such a young age.

"All right," she gasped, "I get it. What's going to happen?"

Sophia shrugged and put her hand under the water, though it went right through her to splash against Kaname's back. _"Another of your kind will be coming. He's got a sweet face and talks a good game, but he's selfish. If you don't play well with him, who knows what he might do to you."_

Clenching her fists, Kaname glared up at Sophia, flinching as water splashed her face. "What do I do?"

_"Play his game,"_ she shrugged, looking bored, _"His goal is the same as mine, anyways."_

"You don't seem to care too much for him."

Turning her back, Sophia stared longingly up at the water coming from the showerhead. _"He was a good boy. Once. I had high hopes for him. Maybe I drove him too hard... Ah well, it doesn't matter now. Just go along with him and it'll work out."_

Kaname rose to her feet and glared at the girl who seemed intent on taking her face and her identity along with it, "I never said I would go along with your plan. I just said that I'd consider it. Don't get so full of yourself!"

_"No, you!"_ Spinning swiftly, the hands that rested on Kaname's face felt real, terribly cold against her skin, and the wild rage she was faced with cowed her. _"_You_ are the one too full of herself! Don't you ever forget where you are, don't you ever forget that you're at the mercy of everyone around you!"_

"Not everyone," she muttered defiantly, her body trembling against her will.

Smirking now, the hands warmed and Sophia leaned in, whispering against her lips with no breath, _"Ah, yes, your guard out there. He is cute, isn't he? Try not to lose your hold on that one, you might need his strength later."_

"I don't plan to."

Sophia chuckled and pressed a ghostly kiss to Kaname's lips. _"Good girl."_ Pulling back, Sophia's hair blew away from her as she floated in the air as though on a wisp of a dense, gentle wind. _"Don't forget my warning. He'll only cater to your whims for so long."_

"Which 'him'?"

The question went unanswered as the girl dissolved into the tile wall. Grumbling under her breath, Kaname snatched up the shampoo and finished up her shower with grim intent. "Bitch," she growled as she rubbed at her scalp harshly. "Showing up when it's convenient for _her_, but never sticking around when I need something." Deciding that she might as well consider the last sentence to apply to both 'hims,' she twisted the water off finally and stepped out to dry herself. Looking at the door, she wondered just how it was that she was going to make it up to her guard. She hadn't meant to knee him there, and she thought he knew that. But then, she didn't really do right by him by laughing at his reactions. Once she was dried and dressed, she stepped out into the main room and saw him sitting with his head against the desk. "How long have you been like that?"

"Hm," he sat up and looked over at her, blinking drowsily. "The whole time," he muttered, looking down at his watch before shrugging.

Kaname shook her head and stepped over to him. Placing a hand on the desk, she looked down at her work with a sigh. He went to stand and she put a hand on his shoulder, "Hey... I'm sorry, all right? I didn't mean anything by it."

He blinked up at her, contemplating the words for a moment. "It's not a problem," he murmured quietly and she nodded, pulling her hand away and letting him stand. Stepping away from her, he rubbed the back of his head and turned to look at her, "Just... try not to do that again. Or, at least don't laugh."

She couldn't help but giggle at the petulance in his voice, and his frown deepened. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just, the way you said it, you're adorable." Folding her hands together behind her back, she grinned and shook her head, "I said I'm sorry, and I meant it. It wasn't my intention to do that to you, all right?" She smirked and leaned forward, "It goes against my own personal interests to do any damage to that part of you."

"Uhh," he turned away quickly, missing the victorious grin she sported for a moment. "I-I see. Then...," he shook his head, stepping into the kitchen in search for a light lunch.

Kaname followed along behind him and leaned against the archway frame. Taking advantage of the fact that they'd had more interaction that day than in the whole of the past month, she decided to push her luck just a bit. "Other than that mishap, today has been kinda fun, huh? Why've you been ignoring me so much?" She realized she'd developed a warped sense of 'fun' since being there. Well, with so little to entertain her, it wasn't really surprising. He sighed and shook his head, pulling out a CalorieMate and peeling the wrapper down. Taking a bite, he ignored her question. Irritated, Kaname walked in and trapped him by opening up the door to the fridge as she contemplated her own lunch. "Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure you'd enjoyed yourself."

"That's...," he sighed. There was no getting out of this, it seemed. "I can't help but shake the feeling that you did it out of a sense of obligation. That does not sit well with me."

Pulling out a few items, Kaname shut the fridge and set them down on the counter. She smiled over at him and shook her head slightly, "You're sweet, you know that?" Setting to making herself a sandwich, she spoke with a warm voice, "I did it because I wanted to. I wouldn't have if I didn't. All right?"

He shuffled uncomfortably, staring at his empty wrapper silently. She'd finished making her lunch by the time he threw it out and regarded her carefully. "I see. Then, I suppose it's not a problem."

"Yup!" Stepping over to him, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and leaned in to kiss him. He stood still, afraid to move, unsure of how to react. She pulled back with a grin and tapped a finger against his lips, "Don't worry yourself about it. I'm enjoying this. You should too."

"I... see." He didn't, really, but he was afraid of what she might do if he argued the point any further. Dropping it, she patted his cheek and grabbed her sandwich, walking out to sit at her desk and return to the work she'd left unfinished. He rubbed the back of his head, dropping his hand and leaning back, smacking his head against a cabinet. Internally berating himself, he wondered once again just how it was she'd come to have such a profound effect on him. The point that she'd gotten to, it saddened him to hear her talking like that, and the emotion in and of itself was bizarre and foreign to him.

He wasn't sure just how long he stood like that, but when Kaname came back in to wash her plate, she gave him an odd look. "You sure you're all right?"

"Fine," he muttered, opening his eyes slowly and looking at her thoughtfully.

Frowning, she gave him a sidelong glance as she put the dish away, "You're giving me the creeps, looking at me like that."

"My apologies."

"Don't apologize, just stop being creepy and tell me what's on your mind."

"That's-."

A knock on the door interrupted him. He pushed away from the counter and stepped past her, tapping out the return on his end. It was a code that changed daily so that Kaname could not overpower Sousuke and give out the proper code, gaining the jump on those who entered and making her escape. Not that she would, anyways, that would be suicide. Didn't those idiots realize she was smarter than that?

Sighing, Kaname grabbed her paper, which she'd finally finished working on, and walked over to them, taking up her place in the middle. She was long past the point of defiance, at least when it came to this. The halls they walked through were familiar up to a point, and then she was led a direction she'd never been taken before. Unnerved, she ducked her head just a bit, the corners of her lips tugging down before the anxiety got the better of her, "Where are you taking me this time?"

"Exam room."

"Great, more tests," she muttered.

"Not that kind of exam."

"Huh?" No answer. Not surprising, really. That she was given so much information already was a rarity. Sighing and resigning herself to her fate, she shook her head and dropped her shoulders. "What a ray of sunshine you are," she mocked, glaring at the back of the head of the man who'd spoken to her. He was someone she'd never seen before, which might be why he'd actually answered her. For that matter, the girl beside her was new, too. The other three men she knew, one of them being Sousuke, but these two... And there was something about them that had her feeling nervous.

Arriving at their destination, the guy who'd spoken opened up the door and waved her in. He grinned at Sousuke and nodded, "No point going anywhere, this won't take long. Ah, and Miss," he turned back to Kaname, "I'll be taking that sheet, all right?" She handed it over and stepped past him, the short-haired, stoic woman following her in and closing the door behind them.

Inside was an exam table, the medical type. More than a little uncomfortable now, Kaname saw the female scientist that had been working with her since the beginning. "Good, you're here. Let's get this over with. Sit in that chair, I need to take some blood first."

Knowing that if she resisted, it'd be made more painful, she warily made her way over and set both of her arms out, giving the lady the choice. Perhaps they were in a giving mood, as it was her left that the draw was taken from and they were well aware that it was her off-hand. A paper gown was tossed at her and she changed into it swiftly. She was gestured to the table and went through the basics of a medical exam. As fingers pressed gently against her throat, checking lymph nodes and thyroid, the curiosity got to her once more, "Why the sudden exam, anyways?"

"Hush, child."

"It just seems weird that you would do this _now_ and not when I first got here."

The girl standing by the door spoke up, and Kaname nearly jumped, having forgotten all about her. "An important person will be coming here to work closely with you. We can't have him getting sick from anything you might have."

Frowning, Kaname had to hold her thoughts as she was told to breathe while the woman pressed a stethoscope to her back. Laying back when she was told to, she stared up at the ceiling, "I'm perfectly healthy, you know. If I _am_ sick, it's because of what you guys have been doing to me."

"We can't take chances."

"Important person, right, I get it," she muttered. Closing her eyes, she sent out a mental thought, _Is it the person you were telling me about, Sophia?_ She wasn't expecting an answer and didn't get one.

Stirrups were pulled out from the table and first one ankle then the other was grabbed and her feet were dropped onto them. "Huh? Hey, what are you doing?"

"A full exam, of course."

"What's my health down there got to do with this guy, what are you planning to have done to me, huh!" She pulled her feet out and sat up, glaring at the woman with a fierce blush on her face.

She was slapped for her defiance, and the glare she turned on the scientist was matched, "Remove your underwear so we can finish this exam."

Trembling, Kaname couldn't let this one go without a fight, "I'm not going to let you violate me! There's going to be nothing going on there, I promise, nothing's ever happened!"

"Sabine, please restrain her."

"Understood." The woman, Sabine, pushed away from the door and walked over to them. Fingers dug sharply into Kaname's shoulder and she yelped before the breath was knocked out of her, slammed back against the table as she was. "Just relax and this will go easier. It'll happen whether you want it to or not. We'd prefer you not be traumatized by it. Miss Sakamoto is a medical doctor as well as a scientist. She knows what she is doing, and she is a professional."

Smiling darkly, the woman nodded as she pulled out what she would need in order to perform the exam, "That's right. Sabine here is even a regular patient of mine, so just sit back and relax."

Kaname whimpered, seeing no choice. She tried to sit up but the hand on her shoulder kept her restrained. Looking up at the girl who appeared to be about her age, she shook her head slightly, "I'm not trying to fight. I... have to take off my underwear, remember?"

"Hm," the hand slowly lifted away and eyes watched her carefully as she did as she said.

Staring at the tools, Kaname frowned, "Can, can you please be gentle? I've never, I mean, this is..."

"I understand. I promise, this is purely professional."

Not liking the smirk the woman wore, Kaname resigned herself to her fate and leaned back, settling her feet back in the stirrups. Straps wrapped around her ankles and the stirrups locked in place. Sabine stood behind her and placed her hands on her shoulders, giving her a warning look. There would be no struggle or escape for her, they were making that much painfully obvious.

* * *

Sousuke stared at the bathroom door with concern. The shower had been running for well over an hour. Each time he knocked, he got a response, so he didn't think she was killing herself, but it made him worry about what had happened in that room earlier. Fowler had told him it was a simple check-up, but the way she was reacting had him more than just a little concerned. She flinched when he'd grabbed her elbow, which he was accustomed to doing when she was released from any of her duties. They'd returned to the room alone, and so when they'd turned the corner he'd released her, which seemed to relax her just a bit.

Sighing, he knocked on the door once more, and heard a weak response called out to him. "You need to come out," he tried to keep his voice firm and demanding, but he barely succeeded. It was laced with the distress he felt. Regardless, it got the job done. The shower was turned off and he heard her moving around. Finally, after what seemed like forever, she stepped out and looked up at him warily. "I don't feel like making dinner. I'm just going to go to sleep."

"You should eat something."

"I don't want to." She made her way over to the bed and collapsed on it, curling up into a ball and drawing the covers over herself.

He stared after her, unsure of what to do. Coming to the realization that there wasn't a thing he _could_ do, he turned to the kitchen to reheat leftovers for himself. As he ate, he was surprised to see her step into the kitchen. She walked up to him, pulled the fork out of his hand and stole a bite of his food. Making a face, she handed it back to him. Leaning against the counter by his side, she forced herself to swallow. "I tried," she muttered.

Staring at his plate with a frown, he pushed the food around aimlessly. "What happened?" he finally asked, deciding there was no delicate way to broach the subject.

She closed her eyes and shuddered. He opened his mouth to insist she didn't have to tell him but she shut him up with a look. "They did a full medical exam. ..._Full_. Exam. I've never had one of _those_ appointments before, and I've never...," she gulped and shook her head, her eyes squeezed shut. "I've never felt so, so, so _violated_ before."

"I, I see," he murmured, suddenly having no appetite himself. "I...," sighing, he hung his head in defeat, "I'm sorry. I have no words."

Kaname smiled sadly up at him. "It's all right. Just... thanks, for understanding."

He nodded to her, setting his plate aside. They stared out at the opposite wall, silence stretching between them until finally she broke it. "Who were those people, anyways? I've never seen them around before."

"They're the personal detail for a VIP who will be arriving within the next few days. He has three, one of which is still with him. These two were sent to pave the way, as it were." He recited the information in a deadpan voice.

Looking up at him, she tilted her head, "This guy, he's going to be working with me, isn't he?"

"It seems that way."

"Do you know what he's like?"

"No. I've never met him before. If he's anything like his sister, then you'll have nothing to worry about, but somehow, I doubt he's so kind."

"Sister?"

Sighing, Sousuke rubbed the back of his head. "She was my old commanding officer. Her name is Teletha Testarossa. This guy, Leonard Testarossa, is her twin brother. They've been estranged from each other for years. All I know is that the colonel - Teletha - is willing to kill him."

"I see," toeing the ground, Kaname sighed. "Well, thank you. I guess I have some idea of what I'm going to be getting into now."

Nodding, he turned back to his plate and wondered if he should finish it. "He's your age, so don't be surprised by that when you meet him. I hear he's incredibly intelligent, and excellent at manipulating people."

"Yeah...," that seemed to fall in line with what Sophia had said to her, and she was convinced, now, that this guy was who she was referring to. "I'm going to try to fall asleep again. Good night."

"Good night."


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note:** Trigger warnings for rape and questionable consent. (Not explicit, which is why the rating remains at T)

* * *

**Let Me Be Myself - Chapter Seven**

"You're perfectly healthy."

Scowling at the woman, Kaname bit her tongue to keep from cussing her out. Once she was sure she wouldn't dig herself too deep of a grave, she grumbled, "I _told_ you that." She stepped into the machine, putting the visor on. "No drugs today?"

"Why, do you want them?"

"No," sighing, Kaname settled back, "When you guys change things on me, I get worried."

The woman chuckled and shut her in the device. "We want to see what results we get with you being lucid, now that you've awoken to your knowledge."

It took longer for her to enter the state they were looking for, but finally enough words flashed past her vision to prompt a response. She could hear her voice running on with various information but was as powerless to stop it as when the drugs were used on her. Watching from the outside, she gave a shake of her head that didn't translate to her body. Her expression was sad and she turned to look away, not wanting to see herself like that anymore.

_"Surely you're used to this by now."_

Sighing once more, she looked over at her mirror image and shook her head with a frown, "I'll never get used to this." Hands balled into fists began shaking. Swinging her arm out, she shouted at Sophia with tears in her eyes, "I don't want to ever get used to this! I just want my fucking life back! Why is that so much to ask!?"

_"I've told you how we can do that,"_ Sophia shrugged, ignoring the outburst. _"You're the one being too stubborn to just work with me on this. You'll never complete it unless you willingly team up with me._ _Or let me take over..."_

"Never!" Shuddering, she wrapped her arms around her chest, "My body is my own. Dammit, my mind is... You've taken enough from me already! I won't give you anything else! Just leave me alone and let me go back to my life!"

The laughter that echoed in the blank space they occupied was chilling. Smirking, Sophia shrugged and held her hands out entreatingly, _"They won't send you back. They'll get everything out of you that they can. When your mind ceases to be useful to them, they'll use your body, and when that's too broken to entertain them further they'll just throw you out with the trash and let you rot to death. That's the kind of people they are."_

Falling to her knees, Kaname stared at the empty ground, hugging herself. "Why me?" she whimpered, bowing her head. "Why me!?"

_"I've told you this already. Why don't you just accept it and work with me to make this world a better place."_

"If I do that, then everything that we've been through will mean nothing."

_"Think how much happier you'd be. Ignorance is bliss. You'd never remember any of this had happened to you. You can't be haunted by that which has not occurred. You can't miss those you've never met..."_

"Who would I miss!?" Jumping to her feet, she got in Sophia's face, trembling with a mix of rage and fear. "There's no one here that I'd miss if I got out! And, you know, as terrible as all of this is, I just can't... If I threw it all away I'd be saying that all of this meant nothing, and that's not true!"

Sophia sighed and shook her head. Giving Kaname a reproachful look, she reached out and stroked the girl's cheek, _"You're an idealist, even now? Well, they'll break you of even that, eventually. And when they do, I'll be here, waiting. It's inevitable."_

Shivering, her throat caught and her jaw worked without sound for a moment before she finally forced her words out, "You're awfully confident! You don't know me well at all, do you!? I won't break, dammit, I won't let these monsters get the best of me!"

_"We'll see."_ That grin would follow her in her nightmares for some time to come. _"For now, why don't you wake up? It's about time for you to go back with your boyfriend."_

"He's not my-."

Blinking eyes open, Kaname realized she had freedom of motion and lifted a hand to rub at her sore throat. She could hear approving murmurs all around her and she was eased out of the machine and directed to the changing screen to put her clothes back on. Stepping out, a glass of water was handed to her and she stared at it with surprise.

The woman, Sakamoto, gave her that sickening smile. "Excellent, the results were better than expected. Keep this up and we won't ever use the drugs on you again." Looking down at her chart, she nodded before turning back to her work table, calling out absent-mindedly, "You'll get a break tomorrow. After that, if you thought we were working you hard now, you'll be in for quite the ride. Our guest who will be arriving shortly can be quite the taskmaster."

Dry throat soothed for the time being, Kaname set aside the glass and looked around apprehensively. Deciding to push her luck, she ducked her head and asked in what she hoped was a persuasive voice, "If I get a break tomorrow, then can I spend it outside? It might refresh me and make my work better when you really put me through the grinder."

Smirking, hand folded on hip, the scientist turned around and nodded. "Sure. Escape would be impossible, anyways. Enjoy the sunlight. It'll probably be the last time you ever get the chance to see it."

Unsure if she had won a victory or not, Kaname was led out of the lab while deep in thought. Handed off to Sousuke, she didn't say a word until they were almost back to their room, "Hey."

"Hm?"

"They said I get tomorrow off. They even said I could go outside. Do you mind taking me out, tomorrow?"

Surprised, Sousuke stared down at her for several moments. Finally, he nodded tightly, opening up their room, "It's not a problem."

"Thanks."

* * *

The first thing Kaname did when she was let outside was to run several feet away from the building and spin, finding the sun and turning her face up to it. Standing still, she let the warmth wash over her, taking in one deep breath after another. Sousuke slowly walked out after her, keeping an eye on the armed guards stationed on the grounds. She was, of course, a flight risk, even though she knew better than to try. Finally turning from the sun, she grinned over to him, running to cross the distance that separated them, she tugged on his jacket with a grin, "C'mon! Let's race! Please!"

Shaking his head, he kept his expression hard, not wanting to appear soft on her in front of the others. "No. Enjoy your time, I'm simply here to guard you."

She pouted up at him, slowly following his gaze as his eyes shifted to look over at the others. Understanding dawning on her, she sighed and stepped back, her arms crossing behind her head. "Alright... I guess it really was... too much to hope for." Turning around, her arms dropped to clasp hands loosely at her back. The wonderful heat of the sun soaked into her muscles, making her feel rejuvenated. It was a wonderful feeling, even if it hurt her eyes and pricked at her skin. Taking off suddenly in a run, she made use of the area that seemed to have been set aside for her, never going within a certain distance of the armed guards.

Cartwheeling and rolling around in the grass, her clothes were completely ruined, though she could hardly find it in her to care. When she tired, far too quickly for her liking, she fell onto her back and just smiled up at the sky. Once rested, she would get up and do it all over again. Ignoring the call of her stomach for food, she was afraid that if she said she was hungry, she would be stuck inside for the rest of the day. When the sun finally began to set, she was escorted back inside, a wide grin on her face as Sousuke made a show of being rough and uncaring. The two of them were the only ones who knew that hand on her elbow was gentle.

Back inside the room, Kaname ignored the stinging pain of her exposed skin, dropping down onto the edge of the bed with a happy sigh. "Thank you... I really needed that."

"Hn. Don't thank me, it's not as though I got the permission for it."

Smiling over at him, she shrugged, leaning forward with elbows on her legs. "I know. But like hell I'm going to thank _them_. Ahhh, that's the most fun I've had since being trapped here..."

He looked over at her from the corner of his eye, carefully taking note of every little change in her since she was able to go out in the sun. "You certainly look much happier now. But those sunburns look painful. Are you going to be alright?"

"It's fine, it's fine," she flapped her hand dismissively, leaning back with a grin. "It hurts, sure, but because of what it is, it feels good, too." Laughing, she stood up quickly, the action causing him to jump as it always did whenever she moved suddenly. Smirking over at him, she waved her hand at him, walking over to the drawers then the closet, "I'm going to shower."

"Ah, right," he murmured nervously, looking down at his hands. Hearing the water turn on, he twitched, staring absently at the floor. It seemed that time outside really had been all she needed to come back from the depression that they had set into her. That exam a few days prior had left her twitchy, and even though he convinced himself it was for the best, the fact that she had barely been able to stand even the slightest touch from him had hurt. He understood, though, he really did.

Whether or not it was a common enough medical procedure, and one that was good to have done to assure overall health, to have it done by these people was what made it so difficult. The doctor that had performed it was the same woman who was leading the tests done to her, always locking her away or injecting drugs into her. That much, he had picked up in the past few months. The other girl that had gone in with her was little more than an attack dog, he knew that from the talk going around. If she had put hands on Kaname, it wasn't likely to have been a pleasant experience, and the thought had made him sick.

Still, perhaps because it really was just a medical procedure, she bounced back from it easily enough after being allowed outside. She hadn't flinched from his touch, had even started to get close to him again. He hated to admit it, but he had missed the little ways she teased him. It left him feeling guilty, no matter what she had said about only doing things with him that she wanted. He couldn't get over the fact that he was in the position of power, and the feeling that anything like that should be done among equals. If only he weren't so damn weak when it came to her.

Sighing, he dropped his head into his hands, barely noticing when she had come out from the bathroom and walked over to him. She reached down and gently tilted his head up, smiling down at him with a warmth in her eyes that caused his throat to tighten painfully. Bending over, he swallowed as he caught a glimpse of a soft, pinkish-brown from under the loose neck of her shirt, his eyes quickly raising to meet hers once more as his cheeks flushed. He expected her to be angry for where his gaze had wandered to, but instead she ran fingers through his hair and leaned in for a kiss. His eyes closed after a moment, hands balled into tight fists at his sides, the only control he had dedicated to keeping them there. When she crawled into his lap, his mind blanked, and the teeth that captured his lip sweetly had him groaning with need.

She chuckled quietly, a throaty tone that caused him to shiver with delight and excitement at the promise held within. Her tongue smoothed over his lip and she gasped as she pressed herself down against him, dragging herself along the obvious lust pushing against his pants. It was too much, entirely too much. The things she made him want to do, he couldn't, and he stood up quickly with his hands on her hips, just enough so she didn't go tumbling over. He pushed her away, growling quietly, "Stop!"

Pouting over at him, the expression gave him pause when she did it with cheeks flushed and lips swollen and pink from him being unable to resist kissing her in return. "I thought you were enjoying it..."

"Th-That's the problem!" He snapped, embarrassed by his own admission. Walking quickly past her, he snatched up clothes and a towel for himself, disappearing to take a shower of his own.

Left alone in the room, Kaname smirked and made her way back to the bed. She did so love having control over him, however it was that she had to get it. Sure, when he had first come, she had been concerned about the idea of bartering certain favors to get things from him, but at this point, it was a source of amusement, even. In this place where she was captive, at least she could have power in one respect, over one person, and it was a small victory she was going to revel in. The sunlight had done a lot to boost her confidence, to pull her out of the mire. Muscles sore from activity, skin sore from sun exposure, for the first time in a long time, she felt like herself.

* * *

"Oh, dear, that burn simply will not do."

Trembling with nervousness, Kaname sat across from the man she was to be stuck dealing with. Sophia had told her that he was like her, that he heard the voice just as she did. What she had not expected was for him to be as beautiful as a woman, or to have such a smooth voice. There was a danger to him, though, one she could sense, and it made her nervous. That drawling voice as he regarded her sunburned skin set her on edge, even as he requested aloe lotion be brought so it could be applied to her skin. Oh, he seemed kind and charming enough, but she had been warned that he was manipulative. Taking that warning to heart, she flinched when his hands gently touched to her face with the soothing gel. He seemed to take it as having been from the burn, but it was the fact that it was him touching her, this man she didn't know, with those piercing eyes the color of ash.

He smiled to her, and she could see the cold calculation in his eyes as he measured every expression he made. "I do hope it heals quickly for you. Be sure to take this back with you when we part, so that you may continue to apply it throughout the day."

When she realized he was waiting for a reply, she swallowed thickly and nodded, regarding him with a wariness that seemed to please him in a way. "Th-Thank you."

"Do not mention it. It would be a shame, for a beauty such as yours to be tarnished by something so easily treated. My dear, photogenic as you are, even pictures do not do you true justice. I wish it did not take me so long to be able to come see you for myself. I look forward to working with you."

"Sorry, but I can't say the same. I'd much rather be back at my home than dealing with any of you."

The girl by the door moved, but he held his hand up, his smile only widening. "I'd heard that you have a tendency to speak back. I admire that about you. You've been here for so long, and you still have this fight. It's part of your beauty. I hope that you never lose it."

She twitched at that, wishing she weren't so amusing to him. Her arms crossed over her chest and she looked away, teeth grinding together. "If it's all the same to you, I'd really rather that remain one of my less admirable traits... I'm not here to entertain you."

"No, Kaname Chidori, that you are not. But don't you think your time here could be more pleasant if we all just got along?"

"Nothing about being a prisoner is pleasant!" she snapped, turning quickly to glare at him.

It seemed he had been waiting for her, and she wasn't sure when it was he had gotten up, but he was right there. A hand settled under her chin the moment she faced him, and he leaned in to kiss her softly. Eyes wide, she could have wished she fully hated the sensation. Even through her revulsion for the man, there was a sweet tingle of lips against lips, of feeling hers cushioning his as they touched with a light pressure.

Coming back to herself all at once, she slapped him, getting up from her chair quickly and swiping the back of her hand over her mouth. "Don't touch me!"

He had raised his hand once more to stop the girl at the door from doing anything, and he simply smiled at Kaname. The expression unnerved her. She wished he would just be angry, as that she could understand and deal with. This calm from him just made him all the scarier, his voice continuing to be gentle, "I see. Well, it's unfortunate, but I suppose I understand. You'll simply have to get to know me better. After all, I know everything about you, but you don't know anything about me. One day, I do hope you'll change your mind. Until then... You may have the rest of the day free. Personally, I would like to get some rest before we begin our work, as there is much of it to be done. Your guard has been summoned, and is presumably standing outside now. Have a restful day, Kaname Chidori."

With that, he got up and left through one door, the girl following him with a glare sent towards Kaname before disappearing. It was the same girl that had held her down when she had been forced to have that medical exam done, and Kaname didn't like the look of her one bit. Swallowing again, she wiped her lips once more and turned to the other door, the one she had come in from. Tentatively peeking out, she saw Sousuke standing there waiting, and she fully opened the door so that she could be led back to the room they shared. She immediately showered upon their return, even though it had not been long since her last, leaving Sousuke frowning with concern.

Another person come to add to the tortures, and just when she had been looking so happy. Not that he was surprised, but that didn't stop the pain he had come to expect whenever she was saddened in some way or another. It really was time to admit his feelings to himself, as much as he hated to. He wanted to be able to shut it off, to just be emotionless and do his job without getting so emotionally invested. It was the first time he had ever become so attached, and the fact that nothing good could come from it just made it all the worse. If he had to fall for anyone, why did it have to be this girl?

* * *

They sure hadn't been joking, Kaname realized with chagrin. Her days were long and arduous, and she spent less and less time in that room she shared with Sousuke. Even though it was small, and there were no windows there, she was beginning to miss it. This Leonard, he didn't seem to care as much about breaking her will as the rest had, and he ranked high enough to do something about it. They met in wide open meeting rooms with large windows. Sometimes, they even went outside to work, under the shade of trees, by a small pond, or sat at tables she didn't remember having been there before. They were too nice, too out of place at this compound, and the look on his face made her think he had arranged for them to be brought in.

He seemed to enjoy his comforts, his luxuries, and he was making it obvious that he wanted to share them with her. She wasn't sure what to make of all of it. Yes, the cushions were quite comfortable, and all the little amenities made the work more bearable, but it was such a stark contrast, and she was still too much of a prisoner for her to trust in it. Everytime a drink was delivered to her, she half expected it to be drugged. The girl, Sabine, didn't seem to care for her much, and from the way she served Leonard, Kaname had a good guess as to why. She would probably feel much the same if in the girl's shoes.

Though, of course, she didn't return any of the sentiments Leonard laid out on her. The care, the devotion, the supposed love. It was hard for Kaname to believe any of it was true, but there would be no convincing Sabine that she wanted nothing to do with those feelings, or that she would be more than happy if they were directed her way instead. Sighing quietly, she closed her eyes, groping around for her drink and taking a sip of it. She could feel eyes on her and she shivered slightly, suppressing it when another threatened to rack her spine when that gaze intensified. Putting the glass down, she looked almost boredly over at Leonard, a frown on her face. "What is it?"

"Hm. Don't you think we've been working hard enough for now? I'm sure we could find something far more pleasant to get up to, don't you?"

"I think I'd rather work than engage in anything _recreational_with you."

"I promise it'd be worth your while."

"No thanks." Turning her attention back to her work, she marked things off absently. When it was that these things began making so much sense to her, she didn't know, and she really wish it had never happened. Remembering what Sophia had told her, about why she could hear that voice, she wished she had been born just a little sooner or later. Oh, what she would give to have nothing to do with any of this.

Pointedly ignoring him when he got up, she gave him a heated glare when he touched fingers to her cheek. "Are you truly sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure! Didn't I tell you not to touch me!? Go away, creep!" she snapped at him, growling quietly.

He stared at her a moment longer, slowly moving in closer. When she started to back away, he took pause. Shrugging as though it didn't matter to him either way, he dropped his hand and stood back up. "Alright, have it your way. Regardless, I'm ready to take a break. Return to your room."

She realized he was trying to convince her to spend more time with him by the lure of not having to return to her rooms. It was just as well that he didn't realize she would prefer to be locked back up in there to having to deal with him ever again. Standing up, she took her things and left, allowed to return on her own. It wasn't as though there was anything she could do. Any room with anything worthwhile was guarded, and any attempt at escape was futile. Striding back into her room, she realized Sousuke wasn't likely to be back until she was expected to return, much later. That left her with more freedom than she really knew what to do with.

Working through some of the exercises he had shown her, she tired quicker than she really liked, still having issues with her stamina. A shower helped her feel a little better, and a glance at the time told her she may as well prepare dinner. It was while she was eating that her nerves really hit her. Throat closing up, she just stared down at her plate, not really seeing it even though it was right in front of her face. Leonard, he had her so nervous. Those looks, the little touches, the little promises. He _wanted_her to barter her body for favors from him, and she began to worry that he would decide he had given too much too freely, and just take payment from her.

Shivering at the thought, she closed her eyes, jaw clenched as she willed herself not to cry. The more she thought about it, the more it seemed like it was only a matter of time. What was it that Sophia had said? That he would only cater to her whims for so long? She still wasn't sure if it had been Sousuke or Leonard she was talking about, but from the looks of things, it was the latter. Sousuke showed no signs of changing his behavior. He seemed content to let her find little ways to persuade him for favors, though there had been none of that going on lately. Leonard, on the other hand, was a danger, a threat. There was no denying that under that pretty boy, demure mask of his, there was a ruthless man who didn't care what he had to do in order to get his way.

She bitterly finished her meal, forcing herself not to give in to the nerves. She would never give in, she had promised herself. Cleaning up, she heard Sousuke come in and approach. Looking over her shoulder, she nodded to him, waving to the fridge, "I made food. Leftovers are in there, help yourself." He grunted quietly and nodded, though made no move to retrieve the food. "Not hungry?"

"Already ate. I didn't expect you back until later. Did something happen?"

"Not really," she murmured, turning slowly to face him. "He got bored and didn't want to work anymore, so I was sent back. That's all."

He seemed a little relieved that nothing further had happened, and he nodded, his shoulders relaxing. A set of thoughts started running through her head, and she bit her lip anxiously, wondering if she should act on them. Almost missing it when he spoke again, she blinked at him, nodding slightly at the quiet words he had spoken, "That's good, then. Did you want to get some rest? You've been having late nights and early days."

"So have you... Are you tired?"

Shaking his head, he turned back out to the main room, taking his usual seat. "Not particularly."

She pushed a lock of hair behind her ear, steeling her resolve. If it was going to happen, with nothing she could really do to stop it, the very least she could do would be to make sure her first time was under her own terms. Wetting her lips, she walked over to him, smiling with a confidence she wasn't sure she really felt. "Mm. Good..." His head shot up at the tone of her voice and he stiffened when she lowered herself to his lap. Arms sliding across his shoulders, she leaned in and pressed her lips to his. She moved slowly, gently sliding her tongue out to ease its way past his lips. He responded to the gentleness far more favorably to the fervor. Whenever she pushed too hard, he would run away, but it seemed this was enough to get him to relax.

His hands settled over her waist, not knowing where else he might put them. He wasn't sure how much time had passed, minutes certainly, when she took hold of his wrists and slid his hands at a tortuously gradual pace up over her stomach to settle at last over her breasts. Twitching, something in him told him to back off, but the voice was too small to be heard. She urged him on with a press to the backs of his hands and he obeyed, running his palms over them and squeezing gently.

At some point, her shirt came off, she was lying on her back on the ground, and he had a taut nipple between his lips. She was arched below him, gasping his name softly, a hand buried in his hair and urging him on. When she took hold of his hands and urged them down to the waistband of her pants, he pulled back at last, shaking his head and looking almost wild with concern. "N-No... No, Chidori, this can't..."

"Please..."

"Chidori, if, if we keep going, I... I don't have that kind of control." He was practically whining. He knew he was, and he hated himself for it, but he would hate himself even more if he ever took advantage of her in such a way.

She sat up, reaching out to cup his cheeks gently, and she shook her head. "I don't want you to hold back... I want this, Sousuke."

Eyes wide, he could barely breathe as he stared at her intently. Searching for any hint of a lie, he could sense nervousness from her, and it was enough to sober him. "No... You don't. You don't want this, Chidori, so then why are you...?"

Flushed as he saw right through her, she sat back, eyes closing as she steadied her breathing. "B-Because... he... th-_that guy_... I'm sure, I'm sure he's thinking about it. And, and I can't... if, if there's something I should have control over, it's... at least... my virginity... If I lose it to you, then, then at least it won't have been... a total loss... If it's you, then... I can be happy about it... even if I'm not really ready..."

He didn't know what to say to that. The amount of trust she showed him just then, it was too much. He wanted to walk out that door and never return, but that would only break that delicate trust, and from her, he wanted it so badly. If there was any person he never wanted to disappoint, it was the girl looking at him with sad brown eyes. Giving in would mean taking something precious away from her at a time when she wasn't ready, by her own admission. Not doing so might mean that she would have no control over it, and there was nothing he could do to protect her from that man should he decide to take her.

Licking his lips, his chest felt heavy, as though his heart was being crushed. He wanted to tell her these feelings of his, the ones he knew the name of, no matter how much he didn't want to admit it. That would only cause her more problems than she needed, though, even if it might make this one situation easier on her. Would it be selfish of him to say? Would she even believe him if he did? He just didn't know, he didn't know if it would be better or worse for her to know the truth. At least, if he didn't say anything, things couldn't possibly go any further south. Maybe it would help, but he didn't want to take the risk that it would hurt.

Finally nodding after what seemed forever, he leaned over, easing her back down to the floor. His eyes mirrored hers with a sadness he had never known he could feel. "...I understand. I, I hate the idea of doing this, but... If it means that, at least your first time, is under your own terms, then... I'm okay with it. Even if you hate me for it after, I don't mind... As long as this is really your choice..."

"Yeah...," she murmured quietly, unsure what to make of his words. "It is. My choice, that is... R-Ready, or not, as long as the person is my choice, and, and as long as it's not forced... I choose you, Sousuke... Here and now, I choose you... So, please..."

"I... I have no experience. I don't know how to... make this feel good. I'll do my best, to, to make it as pleasant an experience for you as I can... I'll follow your instruction. Whatever you want me to do... I don't want this to become about me, okay? I'm not... I don't want to take my pleasure of you and leave you... stranded..."

She laughed quietly at the redness creeping up on his face, and she nodded, smiling gently. "I, s-somehow, I knew you would feel that way... Thank you." Not wanting things to get any more awkward than they already were, she pulled him back down for another kiss, lifting her hips when his hands finally came down to remove her pants, her body pressing back against the hardwood floor as he lay atop her.

* * *

**Author's Note:**Apologies for the long, LONG delay in getting this chapter out. My muse was completely dead throughout my entire pregnancy, then there was adjusting to life with a newborn, and, well, only short little one-shots with no concern for continuity were easy for me to write. I've begun chapter 8, but only just barely. I will continue to update this story chapter-by-chapter, but once it is complete, I will no longer post in-progress stories. After this fic, I will ONLY post completed works, so that I don't ever have a delay like this again. It's been nearly 2 years... I'm so sorry... This story WILL be completed, hopefully within no more than 4 more chapters.

_**Thank you so much to everyone!**_ The support that _still_comes in for this fic makes me incredibly happy. It was a difficult story for me to undertake, and I did not know what kind of reception it would have. Every single one of you that reads it and enjoys it, I thank from the bottom of my heart. I've been having an incredible time writing this fic, and I am so grateful that it is so thoroughly enjoyed by so many people. To everyone who takes the time to leave reviews, I give extra thanks. I appreciate them all, whether they be praise, urging me to continue, or criticism, I love them all. Thank you, and I hope I have your continued support throughout the remaining quarter or so of this fic.

**Note about the previous chapter:** I just want to take this moment to remind people that A) There is a difference between character knowledge and author knowledge (that it's still a good idea to get pap smears done even when a virgin - **_I_ ** know this. Kaname may very well not have. It is my experience that girls her age don't think of them unless they're sexually active and/or looking for birth control) and B) Even if it was a simple medical procedure that we women all know we're gonna have to go through, the thing is, we do it on OUR terms, however uncomfortable it is. It was still forced on her, she was restrained during it, and the doctor that administered the exam was someone who is constantly abusing Kaname in other ways. _**This **_is why I had her react the way she did. Considering all of that, does it really seem so extreme now?


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